Running Up That Hill
by SophieSchmidt
Summary: Kendall Knight is... some say insane. Kendall suffers from dissociative identity disorder; there is him and then there is his other half, Ken. When the insanity reaches the point of attempted suicide he is sent to a live in treatment centre where he meets equally as insane but mesmerizing James Diamond - but who will James love? Sweet Kendall or destructive Ken? Kames/Cargan/Kogan
1. How Deep The Bullet Lies

**_Another _new story? You've got to be kidding me... Nope! :)**

**This is very different from anything I've ever written, I've read a coulple different fanfics about the boys being sent to treatement centres, being crazy and what not but this isn't copying any of those. **

**The whole story started forming in my mind and the main focal point of Kendall's craziness is Ken. **

**Kendall suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder/Split personality disorder, which basically means he has two personalities. It's a rare condition but there are some who have it (I did my research for this story a bit :P). I don't know if anyone has seen the show United States of Tara... think of that?**

**So yeah with D.I.D peoples other "personalities" sometimes just live in their mind but more often than not and in Kendall's case their other personalities actually use their bodies. So one minute you could be talking to Kendall and in the next minute it will still be Kendall's body in front of you but you'll be speaking to a completely different person...**

**I really hope this story makes sense! If you have any questions - ask! :)**

**Now, I should let you continue. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own BTR... sad. And this story is named after the song "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo. GREAT song, also the title of this chapter is from the same song.**

**Warnings: There are just so many. Suicide... Self harm... anorexia... bulimia... depression... and eventually some good warnings like smut ;)**

**Enjoy! :) **

**P.S The italics are Ken.**

* * *

**Chapter 1 - How Deep The Bullet Lies.**

Hi, I'm Kendall.

_And he's insane. _

I'm not insane.

_He is. _

I'm not insane, just a little bit...

_Insane._

I was going to say a little bit messed up but whatever, if insane works for you we will go with insane. See the thing is I have a voice in my head, and it's kind of a part of who I am... Some doctors think it might be split personality disorder whilst others believe it's some form of schizophrenia but I think they're all wrong.

_Why aren't you introducing me properly?_

Yeah so it got to the point where the voice started taking on some form of its own in my actions, so I named him Ken.

_Boring..._

Ken is annoying, and fucks up my life. He's that part of me that acts on irrational thought and feeling, always choosing to come out in moments I need him least. It's hard to explain and I don't know if I can but when Ken takes over our roles flip and suddenly I am the voice in his head except the difference is he blocks me out. I will wake up from a Ken black out and have people tell me all this stuff "I" did and it's kind of like... what? Well initially it was confusing for me but now I just have to blame Ken. The problem is Ken is a completely different person, he looks like me, walks like me, talks like me, but he's not me. He's everything I'm not.

I like to think I'm normal.

_He's not normal. You're not normal, tell them what you do._

They don't want to hear it.

_Yes they do, tell them idiot. _

As well as having this split personality disorder I also suffer from a little thing the doctors like to call depression. Which I figure is natural, considering I have a voice in my head 24/7 asking me why I don't just cut the knife a little deeper and end it all, which is what I tried... and ultimately what put me in here.

_Try again... End it all; let me take over full time. _

No, you're so fucking stupid, if I killed myself you would die too because you're only in my mind.

_Now Kendall we both know it's a little bit more than just being in your mind. _

Whatever, you would still die too.

Sometimes I wish Ken would shut up, actually no I wish that all the time.

_Lies. I'm nice to you son of a bitch._

Sometimes he's nice, well it depends on your definition of nice. In times of need he's there for me, when the whole world is against me he's there with a mental shoulder to cry on and sometimes he's right, when he tells me to just make a little cut and I'll feel better.

And I do.

Sometimes.

Most of the time.

All of the time.

So there, there's one jigsaw piece of the puzzle that is my life. The main parts. There's other parts, like maybe the one at the moment which is completely taking over.

My Mum, my sweet, kind, loving Mum is sending me... here. She thinks I'm...

_Insane. _

Actually yeah, she thinks I'm insane. They all do. Which is why I'm here. I've tried telling them, over and over again that having Ken in my life doesn't make me insane.

_Your Mum's a bitch._

She is not a bitch! You just don't like her because she doesn't like you.

The thing that's hard on my Mum is that one minute Kendall will be at the dinner table and then the next minute Ken will be there and he's so different from me, as I said before, he's a completely different person. And my Mum doesn't like Ken, no one does.

_Hey that's not true; I am so much more fun that you are._

Ken is rude, arrogant, mean, a bastard and just the definition of bad.

The problem with Ken is he will be the one to get drunk and I'm the one who has to suffer the hangover.

And I mean that both metaphorically and literally.

I don't have any friends. I did. But when Ken came into my life about two years ago he pushed them away.

_No, you pushed them away, I was ready to party._

But that's just the thing, they didn't want to party. Well your definition of party anyway.

I'm 18, I should have lots of friends, I should be going to college and having fun, I shouldn't be going _here._

Fuck you Ken.

_Fuck you right back buddy._

So where is _here? _Here is Hathaway House for the criminally insane.

_That's not its real name._

No but it may as well be called that. It's just Hathaway House... but its main slogan is supporting teens and their families for all kinds of mental disorders... or something like that.

So here I am, with my mental disorder at Hathaway House.

And it already feels like a prison.

"Mr Knight" Says a voice that isn't the one inside my head.

"I'm sorry?" I mumble, eyes meeting the piercing gaze of a man who is looking at me with scrutiny and judgement.

What was his name... I should remember...

_It's Mr Rocque. At least one of us pays attention. _

"I'm sorry Mr Rocque?" I say again, crossing and uncrossing my legs in the large leather armchair in which I am seated.

"Interesting..." He says slowly, leaning back in his chair at staring at me in question from across the desk.

The chair creeks as he leans backwards and I feel my skin crawl.

Fat.

Fat, so fat.

Why? Why must he consume such large amounts of food? It makes me sick.

Sick.

I can see the rolls on his neck, his stomach hanging over his belt, even his fat fingers drumming on the desk are almost too much to bear.

_Hey Kendall you should probably tell them some other reasons why you're insane..._

I don't like food.

Well it's not that I don't like it...

I just don't like how it makes me feel.

I like everything to be perfect and in its correct order, I like to be clean, I like to feel in control and in times when the feeling of control is a rare entity in my life it feels like controlling what goes into my body provides some level of sanity.

I also don't like how it feels after you've eaten it. It just sits there, in your stomach, waiting to be digested and making you feel... impure.

I see everything and I smell everything and I know everything.

I see the grease on my fingers when I touch food.

I smell the fat, smell its poison.

And I know what it will do to me.

It's not even particularly about being thin; it's about being in control.

Control.

I need control.

"Mr Knight" Rocque says again, breaking me out of my current insanity.

"Yes sir?"

"Do you know what just happened there?"

"No sir?"

"Well I asked you to tell me a bit about yourself and at first I thought you weren't going to respond and then it was unlike anything I've ever seen. You were talking, but obviously not to me, it was like... it was like I was watching you talk on the phone and I could only hear your side of the conversation. It was like you were arguing with someone, they were telling you that you were insane but you didn't agree... but then eventually the "person" you were talking to won you over and you agreed. I couldn't break you out of it either. It was fascinating"

"Oh" I mumbled, looking down at my twiddling thumbs in my lap. "Um... that was Ken"

I didn't realise I had been talking out loud again... fuck you Ken. You should have told me.

No response.

Oh so now you leave me alone? Cheers.

"Who's Ken, Kendall?"

"He's me. Well he's not; he's a part of me. He's my other half. Most of the time he's just in my head and talks to me there, but sometimes he comes out and uses my body for a bit"

"I see" Mr Rocque says slowly. "Do you know why you're here Kendall? At Hathaway?"

"Because everyone says I'm insane"

"Insane really isn't a term we would use Mr Knight"

"Alright... I'm fucked up" Kendall shoots a hand to his mouth. "Sorry!"

"It's fine, although I would rather you not swear. Save that for therapy"

I merely nod.

Therapy.

I need therapy?

What's therapy going to do?

_They're going to try fix you, which is a near impossible task._

Fix me? What needs fixing? I thought they were just sending me here so Ken wouldn't hurt anyone.

_The only person I hurt is you Kendall_

I know.

"You're doing it again..." Mr Rocque says.

"I'm sorry sir?"

"You just had a full conversation with yourself about whether or not you need therapy and how we're going to "fix you" and that you thought you were here so Ken wouldn't hurt anyone"

"Oh" I reply in a small voice.

Fuck, I need to get a control of this talking out loud thing.

"Right so are you ready to make a commitment to change Kendall?"

No.

"Yes sir"

"Are you going to give it everything you've got?"

No.

"Yes sir"

"Good" He says with a small smile, although I'm not convinced it's a true smile.

The rest of the afternoon was long and I tried to block Ken out as much as I could whilst Mr Rocque spoke. Basically it was all boring stuff, information, rules, schedules, rules, how Hathaway works, more rules.

It sounded fair enough. Well it didn't but I wasn't going to complain.

Basically all my mind registered was therapy, therapy and more therapy.

Amongst other things.

Like the fact we get checked on what is going to feel like every minute of the day and privacy is just not a word that exists at Hathaway.

"Alright" Mr Rocque says after what feels like half the day, "Let's get you settled in. There are two to a room and you will be on Level Three"

There is a quick knock on the door which makes me jump slightly.

I don't like unexpected things.

"Hi Mr Rocque" Says a blonde man with a pearly white smile from the doorway. "Are we ready?"

"Yes. Mr Knight I would like you to meet Mr Jett Stetson, he's one of the counsellors here at Hathaway and he will help you get sorted"

"Hi" I mumble, standing from the large leather couch and reaching out to shake Mr Rocque's hand.

He returns the gesture firmly, eyes trailing to the heavy scars that cover my wrist but he doesn't say a word.

"So as he said, I'm Jett!" The blonde says happily as we leave the office.

Too happy.

Too smiley.

Too blonde.

"Kendall" I mumble, reaching out to shake his hand too.

Jett chatters at about 100 miles a minute as he leads me through the centre, which is basically a really, really large mansion.

It's actually nice.

It's like the sort of place you would want to live. You know without it being full of the mentally insane and unstable.

Jett mainly says all the things I just heard with Mr Rocque and I naturally begin to tune him out as we walk, instead taking in the sights around me as Jett takes me on "the grand tour" as he likes to call it.

There are people, everywhere, ranging from I'd say about 13 to early 20's. Well that's other "patients" here. It's clear who the counsellors and workers are. They're all dressed the same. White, white and more white. Too white.

Apparently I hate white now.

_You hate everything._

That's not true.

There's everything you'd expect at Hathaway. Dining area, lounge rooms, library, kitchens and a lot of rooms which I assume are used for therapy.

"All the bedrooms are on the upper levels" Jett says as we ascend the large wooden staircase. "You're on the third floor and you're rooming with a kid named Logan Mitchell. He's nice but quiet. He's your age too"

He's quiet? I like him already.

_You don't like anyone._

Just shut up for two seconds, please?

"He will be happy to have a roommate, he's been by himself for awhile now"

"How come?" I ask, the first time I've spoken since Mr Rocque's office.

"Oh well he's last roommate... Dylan... Let's just say he suffered from depression and didn't meet a happy ending.

I feel sick.

This Dylan kid, whoever he was, was sent here to get better and in the end he couldn't escape his demons... great there's no hope for me then.

"Alright here we are" Jett says as we stand in front of a very plain looking wooden door marked "13"

Jett places about two quick knocks to said wooden door before barging in.

See? No privacy.

"Oh hi Jett" The boy, who I assume is Logan, says from the bed up against the farthest wall, a large book buried in his lap.

The room is nice. Plain, modern, two beds, two desks and a large wardrobe. I see pin boards hanging above each bed, Logan's is covered in pictures and letters and various other trinkets and mine of course is completely bare.

I like it that way.

"Logan this is Kendall, your new roommate" Jett smiles.

"Hi Kendall, I'm Logan" The boy smiles, standing up and walking over to me with his hand extended.

I shake it firmly and give him the once over.

He's nice. I really do like him already. Short, brown hair, big chocolate eyes and a smile which strikes me as completely non threatening and friendly.

He seems normal. Not insane. Which is a good sign.

He also seems incredibly organised and neat, I can tell from the way he's bed is made perfectly, the items on his pin board all straight and nothing on his desk out of line.

Yes, yes I definitely like him already.

_He's probably a freak, he looks normal now but he's going to be a freak, just like the rest of them. _

Shut up.

"Alright then I will leave you to get settled Kendall, Logan you don't mind showing him the ropes for the first day or two?" Jett says with that huge smile still on his face.

I want to wipe it off.

Apparently I have anger issues now too, great. I'm becoming more and more like Ken every day.

No, I shouldn't say that. I'm nothing like Ken.

_I am you remember?_

Shut up.

"Sure" Logan says with a smile, but nowhere near as big as Jett's.

I see all my bags sitting in front of my bed. Seeing the bags just sitting there in a random pile instantly makes me begin to feel uncomfortable. I move to them quickly and before I open one I place the three in a perfect row and make sure they line up to the inch. Once I'm satisfied with the line I set to work on unpacking.

Everything goes into the wardrobe in order and follows my general rule of genre of clothing, like whether it's a jacket, shirt or pants and then make sure they are in the right colour sections.

I stand back and stare the wardrobe, moving forward once or twice to swap some shirts I don't think belong where I've put them. I place the now empty bags at the storage space in the top of the wardrobe, putting them in their beautiful neat line again.

"OCD?"

The voice shocks me, as Logan has not spoken this whole time through my crazy unpacking schedule. I spin around quickly and feel my heart rate shoot up.

"What?" I say harshly and probably a little bit threateningly. Although it's not all me, I feel Ken has a bit of a say in my snap.

"Oh sorry sorry" Logan says quickly, holding his hands up in defence.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I speak. "No I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, you just caught me off guard"

"Sorry" He says again, voice small and probably a bit scared.

_You see? He already hates you. That didn't take long._

"Please don't be" I say with what I hope is a kind smile on my face as I take a seat on my bed. "In answer to your question, yeah I guess I am sort of OCD but it's not my issue or anything"

He smiles softly at me but I can still the slight hesitance on his face.

"What is your "issue"?" He asks quietly, sitting on his bed opposite me. "I'm trying to figure it out and I'm really good at figuring things out too but I can't. My immediate thought was anorexia because... well" He gestures at my physique but I can't really say I know what he's talking about.

Anorexia? Hardly. I'm not that thin... am I?

"But then you started the whole unpacking thing and it was crazy perfectionist behaviour and that need to be in control. But then... well then you were muttering to yourself and it wasn't just general muttering it was full on like you were talking to someone"

Wow so he definitely doesn't hold back. He seems like he likes that control too, he needs to know what's going on around him all the time.

_Control freak..._

Shut up.

"Umm... where to begin?" I say with a small laugh. "I guess its lots of things. It's what you said with the control and the need to always be perfect, which I guess then relates to that anorexia thing. But I don't think I would be thin enough to qualify for that title"

He holds up his hand to stop me. "Firstly there is no weight cut off limit for anorexia and secondly if there was you would make the cut and it's also very obvious from your need to be in control and perfection that you would want to control one of the few things in your life that isn't always floating away from you; food. I understand"

So is Logan a patient here or actually one of the Doctors?

"Um yeah I guess" I shrug. "But none of that is why I'm here. It's because... um... well basically I have a form of split personality disorder or schizophrenia"

"Wow really?" He asks, eyes alight with interest.

"Yeah I sort of have... it's hard to explain but I have two personalities. There's me, Kendall, and then there's Ken. Most of the time Ken is just in my head and speaks to me, which is the muttering which I'm afraid I think I do a lot so please tell me if I am, but sometimes Ken actually borrows my body for a bit and lives through me. I don't know when it happens though and I don't know what he does. He's nothing like me, he's my polar opposite. He's rude and arrogant and I hate him and right now he's telling me that I don't hate him, I love him and that I shouldn't be telling so much about myself to "a freak" – Sorry, his words not mine"

Logan stares with his mouth slightly open. "Fascinating. So will I get to meet this Ken?"

"Um yeah probably" I shrug. "I don't know when he is coming though, he doesn't give me any warning, but I'll give you the warning now, he's fucking rude and shit and all round terrible and you have to understand it's not me saying what he is going to say to you"

"Fascinating" He says again, leaning forward with his chin resting in his hand.

Why does he care so much? Why is my life so fascinating? Because it's really not.

I look away from his penetrating gaze, it's not that he makes me feel uncomfortable; I just don't like the feeling of being stared at.

"I'm sorry" He says quickly, bowing his head. "I didn't mean to – I'm sorry. Stupid. I'm sorry I didn't mean to. Fuck I'm so stupid"

"Logan?" I ask, moving from my bed to sit neck to him but he isn't responding, he's beginning to wring his hands and rock back and forth.

Fuck, what do I do?

_See? They're all going to be crazy._

"Logan?" I ask again, placing a hand gently on his shoulder. "Are you ok?"

"Stupid stupid stupid" He mutters.

"Logan!" I say a bit louder, shaking him. "Snap out of it!"

I think my yelling did the trick.

Maybe?

I don't know.

I don't know how I'm going to handle this.

"Shit" He mutters with a large sigh.

He seems to have calmed down but I'm still not entirely sure.

He looks at me finally and he looks... normal? I guess.

"I'm sorry Kendall; I didn't mean to freak out like that"

"It's ok" I say slowly, taking my hand of his shoulder but not moving from his bed.

"I suffer from pretty severe anxiety, mixed with bipolar tendencies and a bit of aspergers which basically means I can't really judge many social situations. So just then for example my brain didn't instantly understand that I was making you uncomfortable and then when I realise I got slightly crazy. Just then wasn't so bad, but I will have episodes where my brain just goes into overdrive and I can't handle what I've done"

"Wow" I say quietly, trying to process this information. "But what you did wasn't even bad? I didn't really feel that uncomfortable at all?"

"I know" He sighs, "But that's where the severe anxiety kicks in, I just over think everything I guess"

"Oh ok. What about the bipolar?"

"Um basically it can take the tinniest thing to make my mood snap and when it does it's to the extreme. I'll be happy one minute and then the next minute I'll be so depressed I'll be taking anything sharp to my skin" He says with a shrug. "So don't freak out too much if I suddenly start screaming at you for no reason at all"

"Ok how about this, I won't freak out too much and take it too personally when your mood shifts and you the same when Ken comes out, ok?"

He nods his head in agreement and offers me a small smile. "I'm sort of anxious for when Ken makes an appearance"

I put my hand back on his shoulder in an effort of comfort; I can already tell he's freaking out by the thought of Ken. "He won't hurt you or anything don't worry... I guess I can't explain it, but yeah you'll know when you see Ken not me"

"Ok" He says softly. "Do you know what brings Ken out?"

"Not really" I shrug. "Sometimes it can be when my emotions are through the roof, so if I'm super happy or sad or angry but then most of the time it's just random. He sort of pushes through my wall"

"Wow, ok. Is he speaking to you right now?"

I let out a light chuckle and nod my head. "He's always speaking to me"

"What's he saying? If that's not a rude question?"

_Fuck off, don't tell this freak what I'm saying to you. You're such a piece of shit you know that right? He's not going to be your friend, no one wants to be your friend. When I get out of here I'm going to give him a piece of my mind, how about you tell him to be careful of that?_

"Umm... basically he's saying not to tell you anything and that I'm a piece of shit for thinking you would want to be my friend"

I decide to leave the part out about what Ken plans to do when he has use of my body; don't want to freak Logan out too much.

"Well, you can tell Ken that I do want to be your friend" He says with a smile.

"You hear that Ken?" I smirk. I don't need to talk to him out loud but it adds more theatrical benefit for Logan I figure.

_Fuck you. He's lying. He's going to leave you, just like everyone else does._

"Fuck off" I mutter.

"I'm guessing that was for Ken not me?" Logan says with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh yes sorry!" I say quickly, "As I said before, I mutter to myself a lot"

He simply nods and smiles.

I like how understanding he is. I've never told the story about Ken and my other disorders without the other person running away screaming. Well not screaming but definitely judging me and thinking I am a freak.

Maybe I will like it here? To be around other people who actually understand me.

_I bet you're the most messed up one here. I bet no one else has two personalities. You're going to be begging me to kill you by the end of the first week. _

"No I'm not, shut the fuck up!"

Shit. Was that out loud? Judging from Logan's facial expression I'm going to assume it was.

"Sorry!" I say quickly.

"It's ok. It's just going to take a bit of getting used to"

You see Ken? He is nice and he does like me and we're going to be friends.

_He's not going to like you after he finds out the things you've done. _

No you mean the things _you've _done.

_But Kendall I am you... and you are me... I'm all in your head, remember?_

I just want you to go away, please.

_You need me Kendall, you will always need me. Who are you going to turn to when you have no one? Who will be there when you're balancing on the edge of deathly desire? Me. I will always be here for you Kendall._

No... I don't need you... I have Logan now.

_No you don't, Logan's not yours. I'm yours, I will always be yours. _

Shut up, just please shut up.

_Better stop sobbing in front of your new best friend. Just remember Kendall, I'll always be here for you, always. I love you, remember?_

No you don't. You don't love me, you loathe me.

Ken? Ken come back, we haven't finished talking!

Fuck that's right, just run away when I face you with the truth.

"Kendall!"

"What?" I ask calmly, looking up at Logan. As far as I was aware we were just sitting here as normal, didn't he just say one second ago it would take some getting used to? "Was I talking to myself again?"

"Um yeah..." He says slowly, looking at me like I'm a bomb that's about to go off. "But it was for ages and I was basically yelling at you but it was like I didn't exist. What was Ken saying to you? You started to cry..."

"Oh shit" I muttered, rubbing away the tears I didn't even know I had. "He was just telling me no one loves me and I'm never going to get better and that he's always going to be there for me... Hey can I ask you a favour?"

"Yeah sure, anything" Logan replies quickly. Agreeing before he even knows what I'm going to ask.

"I would rather not everyone here knows about Ken and my split personality. Would it be too much to ask you don't spread it around?"

He bites his bottom lip and looks hesitant about answering. "Um I won't say anything obviously but it doesn't take long for people to figure out what people's deals are. And we have group therapy too..."

"Oh" I reply in a small voice. "Well let's just not bring it up until I absolutely have to. I figure I have so many others problems people can just take their pick"

I give him a small smile at my weak attempt of humour.

"It's ok I won't say anything" Logan says with a similar smile. "Um so it's nearly dinner time. We all have meals at the same times and then other than that everyone's timetable is pretty varied. Did you get your timetable and stuff yet?"

"Oh no, Mr Rocque said I will get it tomorrow in my first session at 8:00. So he said just to go from there basically"

"Ok cool. Did he tell you who your counsellor was going to be?"

"Yeah he did, oh crap what was her name... Ken what was her name?"

_Kelly Wainwright. Am I really the only one who pays attention? _

"Ken says it's a lady named Kelly Wainwright?"

Logan simply stares at me for a minute before he shakes his head and snaps back into reality. "Sorry you caught me off guard for a second. I find it fascinating that you can't remember a name but Ken remembers it... when really it's all in your brain anyway... if that makes sense"

"Yeah I guess" I shrug, "I don't really think about it. Ken pays more attention than I do it seems"

"Fascinating" He says in barely a whisper before coughing and realising he's spacing out again. "Oh and Kelly is really nice, she was my counsellor for a bit in my first month I was here"

"How long have you been here for?"

"Um it will be nearly a year soon"

I don't know how to respond to that. I don't even know how to feel about that. Nearly a year... It makes me worry because Logan doesn't seem that bad and yet he hasn't seemed to recover yet... Fuck I really do have no hope at surviving.

"If you don't mind me asking, what put you in here exactly? Just the anxiety and bipolar or..."

"Well as I said before sometimes the anxiety get's to the level of self harm, so you can add depression to the list. But in the end when I was living at home I wasn't just a danger to myself I was a danger to other people, I would lash out so severely and I... I hurt my little sister once when I was experiencing one of my rages"

He closes his eyes and bows his head.

"I'm sorry Logan I didn't mean to... I'm sorry" I say quietly.

"No no it's fine. She's ok, I didn't hurt her badly but it was just in that moment my parents and I realised how bad it truly was. So they sent me here"

"I hope this is not another rude question, but why have you been here so long?"

"Mental disorders and illnesses aren't really something you can get over so quickly. I know how you're feeling; I felt the same when I first got here. You think in the first week they will fix you and you'll be fine and ready to go home but it's a bit different. Don't get me wrong they actually do help a lot but it's a long process I hope you understand that"

That's what I had feared.

"Also you might not believe this now but you'll reach the stage when you don't actually want to go home. I know now that even if they said tomorrow I could go I would be nervous and probably ask to stay a bit longer"

"Oh" Is all I can say. I can't say I agree with him.

I want to be anywhere but here to be honest.

"So, are you ready for dinner?"

Dinner...

"What sort of food do they have?" I ask hopefully in a casual tone.

"It's always different but it's always pretty nice" Logan replies casually as he puts on his shoes. "It's different though for a lot of people... When you had your meeting with Mr Rocque did he say you would be sitting in section Blue or Green?"

"Green I think?"

"Oh" Logan says quietly, placing the book that was on his bed neatly on his desk. "Green is for people who suffer from eating disorders... I sit in Blue so I just get the normal stuff and no one watches us eat in Blue..."

"What?" I say quickly, "What do you mean? Eating disorder? I don't have an eating disorder? What are they going to feed me? Are they going to watch me eat?"

"Kendall settle down" He tries to soothe, placing both hands on my shoulders. "You're going to be ok. I'll sit with you ok?"

"Ok ok" I say as I nod my head and try to calm down.

It will be ok.

At least I hope.

_There will probably be pizza and soft drink and then they will make you eat cake and –_

"Logan" I say quickly, "Can you just keep talking to me as we walk to dinner? If you talk it sort of blocks Ken out a bit"

He complies with my request, talking endlessly about really everything I would need to know about Hathaway. What sort of disorders people suffer from here, who's who, what to do in free time and really just anything he thinks I might need to know.

It helps.

Slightly.

Once we make it to an incredibly large dining room at the back of the house a woman holding a clipboard stops us at the door.

She's dressed in that same white white white and it matches her pearly smile.

Why is everyone that works here so fucking happy?

"Hi Logan" She smiles, "You're Blue of course. And who do we have here?"

She looks at me like I'm a little child; I'm surprised she's not ruffling my hair.

"This is Kendall Knight" Logan answers for me.

"Kendall Kendall..." She mutters as she looks through on her clipboard. "Ah here we go. Oh sweetie I'm afraid you have to sit in Green"

Fuck, she's pissing me off.

Don't look at me like that in pity, like I only have six months to live or something.

_You should punch her. _

Ignoring.

"Jo, would it be ok if I sat with him for meals?" Logan asks with a friendly smile.

"Hmm" She mumbles, thinking it over. "Just tonight Logan, but if you want to do it again you will have to check with Miss Collins. But for tonight grab your food from Blue and then you can sit with Green"

"Thank you so much Jo!" Logan says happily, grabbing me by the elbow and pulling me past her.

"You don't have to sit with me if you don't want..." I begin to say slowly but Logan puts his hands up in protest.

"Trust me, I want to"

"Don't you have friends in Blue you want to sit with?"

"Not really" Logan shrugs. "I sort of keep to myself at Hathaway. I have people I talk to and stuff but not any friends"

I give him a small smile.

Yep, were definitely friends.

I hear Ken's annoying voice begin to surface but I block it out.

"So that's Green there" He says, pointing to the right of the room, "And that's Blue on the left. I have to go get my food from there but I'll come meet your alright? I think in Green you have assigned seating and your meals already set up so you find your name and I'll come meet you ok?"

I give him the strongest smile I can muster to let him know I'll be ok without him for two minutes.

I try to ignore the other people as best as possible as I look for my seat. The place isn't full yet so there are heaps of empty chairs but there are enough people to give me an idea of what sort of place this truly is.

Being Green all I can see is bones and thinness and other things that aren't extremely attractive. I don't look like that do I? Surely not.

The one thing I sense the most from this room is emptiness... there are bodies in the seats but there are no souls. It's mostly girls, but there are a few guys and the one thing they all have in common is the life in their eyes... there is none.

I don't know what sort of people sit in Blue but if Green is anything to judge by I'm starting to feel not so bad about my own problems.

Sort of.

"Finally" I mutter as I see a tag with my name on it. There's food on a tray set out and my instinct reaction is to think they must have mixed the names up. There is no way I can eat all _that. _

I hesitantly take a seat and stare at the food on the tray in front of me.

Roast chicken.

Potatoes.

Bread rolls.

Butter.

Gravy.

Coke.

No.

"Scary isn't it?" A voice says, snapping me out of my inner turmoil.

"Sorry?" I ask, looking up to see a beautiful girl sitting directly opposite me on the table.

I hadn't noticed her at first; I was too concentrated on the food. But I don't know how I missed her. She really is beautiful, she has long brown curly hair, creamy white skin, a playful smirk on her lips and brown eyes that I assume once used to sparkle, but now I'm afraid they are simply lifeless.

But above all this the thing that strikes me most is how thin she is. Her cheeks are hallowed, collarbones protruding and even her hands look frail and weak. It's as if her skin has been stretched too tight across her bones.

I just want to give her a hug.

"I'm Camille" She says with a smile, extending her dainty hand for me to shake it.

I feel like I'm going to break her.

"Kendall" I smile in return, squeezing her hand ever so gently.

"I assume you're new?" She asks, picking at a small bowl of vegetables on her tray.

"Yeah only just got here really" I respond, eyes now drawn back to my own food.

"Anorexia?" She says bluntly but not in an unkind way.

"Actually no... I don't know why I'm in Green"

She laughs slightly, but not in a way that makes it seem like what I said was truly hilarious.

"Sweetie, you're as thin as a rake and when you sat down here you stared at your food and began to shake. I thought you were going to have a panic attack"

"Oh" I mutter, "But still, it's not the main reason I'm here"

"Oh?"

"No... I have... other issues"

She drops it at that, probably sensing I don't want to talk about it much.

"Well as I said I'm Camille and I'm anorexic. That's my only reason... I hope"

I don't know why but I like Camille. She's kind of addicting and I just want to remain in her presence.

"Do I really have to eat all this?" I ask in a small voice, looking around me and noticing the white white white counsellors walking between the isles.

"Afraid so" She sighs, placing a carrot in her mouth.

"But I... I can't"

"They won't let you leave until you eat it all I'm afraid. Trust me you have no idea how many times I've been here way past dark sitting with one of the counsellors and just crying. But honestly they won't let you leave until it's all done so you better get started"

She seems to be struggling with her own meal but she isn't complaining. Instead of starting mine straight away I watch her for a bit, I see how she winces slightly as she chews, how her hands shake when she places a particularly large piece of chicken into her mouth and how she shudders when she washes down her mouthful with her coke.

I _really _want to give her that hug.

Since when do I want to be hugging people?

"I'm back!"

I look to my left to see Logan taking a seat next to me at the table with his tray. His is a little different, it's full of pizza and fries and soft drink and I am actual grateful I'm sitting in Green.

"Hi Logan" Camille smiles at him kindly. "What are you doing here?"

"Hi Camille" He responds shyly, "Kendall's my new roommate. I asked if I could sit with him for dinner cause he doesn't know anyone else"

"He knows me now" Camille says proudly which causes me to chuckle slightly.

Camille and I both stare as Logan devours his pizza and fries.

I might like the guy but the way he is eating makes me want to be sick.

I still haven't touched any of my food. I don't know what I'm doing... maybe building it up to it or something? I don't know.

It's just... well it's just what's on my tray is probably more than I would eat in a week.

I don't have the biggest problem in the world with the food itself it's just the quantity...

"Hi there" I hear a voice say behind me, I turn to see a blonde women in white white white look at me with a big smile.

Fuck that big smile.

"Hi" I say, swallowing the lump in my throat.

She kneels down so she is at my eye level and it makes me feel even more like a child than when I was talking to that Jo woman.

"How are you going with your food there?" She asks sweetly.

"Fine, thank you" I responds politely.

"I couldn't help but notice you hadn't touched any yet" She says with an exasperated sigh.

_Fuck this shit Kendall, just leave. Throw the tray in her face or something and leave. _

"I'm getting there" I respond with a fake smile.

"Ok well let me see you get started then"

_Kendall do you want me to come out and punch her?_

No!

"Ok" I sigh, placing the smallest bit of chicken on my fork and popping it into my mouth.

"Good" She smiles, standing up and resting a hand on my shoulder. "Now for the rest"

She turns and leaves and I realise I am probably staring daggers into her back.

It's not that I don't like the chicken, it tastes ok, it's just the fact I have to eat the _whole _thing. I would be fine with maybe one more mouthful and maybe the vegetables. Fuck the potatoes, bread and coke.

However I don't want to sit her all night so I begin the long and arduous journey, piece by piece.

"You don't have to stay" I say to Logan after what is probably 45 minutes and I am only about half way through my dish.

"It's ok" Logan says with a smile, his food long since finished.

At least Logan and Camille are good company. Mostly I listen to them talk to one another; apparently they have group therapy together and like to gossip about other people in their group.

It's kind of funny to watch.

The room is well and truly full now, except for the few who have already finished but I suspect food doesn't get eaten particularly quickly in Green.

I'm about to finish all my chicken when someone starts yelling on the other side of the room, which takes me by completely surprise.

I hate surprises.

"NO! FUCK THIS SHIT! I'M NOT FUCKING EATING THIS!"

I look up to see it's a boy yelling and storming out of the room, and that's when my heart gets caught in my throat.

He's... he's... he's...

"Ugh, of course" Camille mutters, turning back to her tray and ignoring the commotion.

Logan rolls his eyes and he too chooses not to pay attention.

He's... he's... he's...

"That's James Diamond" Logan says quietly to me.

He's... perfect.

_Don't even think about it Knight._

* * *

**So... what do you think? **

**Reviews are the key to happiness you know?**


	2. Waste Every Second

**A/N: Why do I update so fast? I should really leave you guys hanging for awhile... But I love you too much so that's a near impossible task. **

**It means the world that you're all keen on this story and it's general premise. I have good feelings about this one and I'm loving where it's going :) Should it worry me that I love writing my boys so insane?**

**So here we go with the next chapter! Were introduced to James and his issues, also there is mention of Carlos and his troubles too :) **

**Slowly but surely wins the race...**

**Enjoy! :) **

**Oh P.S - All the jumping around is intentional, as in the sentences aren't meant to flow, when I get into Kendall's crazy brain it's very scatty in there so the text comes out quite broken... I don't know if any of that makes sense!**

**Oh! And! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES MASLOW YOU BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL SEXY HUMAN BEING! I love you more than anything on this planet, well you and Kendall equally :) And obviously Logie and Carlos :P**

**I wonder what Kendall is getting James for his birthday? Maybe he will take him to the back of the tour bus and fuck his brains out...**

**... What?**

* * *

**Chapter 2 - Waste Every Second.**

This isn't fair.

No.

A human being is not meant to be so inexplicably perfect.

How does that even work?

It's like... he's an angel and for some reason he has been sent to Hathaway, but why? Why is this mysterious beauty in such a place? I want to run to him, hold him, and search for answers in those eyes. I wonder what colour they are?

_You're scaring me..._

I'm scaring myself. Why do I care?

I don't care.

And above all this... he's a guy.

I don't like guys.

Hell I don't even like girls much.

But obviously when it comes down to it I'm straight... surely.

I mean I guess I've never really thought about it before but –

_You're not gay. You can't be gay. _

But why is this beautiful stranger affecting me so much in two seconds? It's like I saw him and I just knew...

_Knew what?_

I don't know! That's the problem!

What did I know?

Nothing.

Surely nothing.

This is why I don't like my brain, it works too much.

James Diamond... that's what Logan said wasn't it?

James... Diamond...

_You know if you say it enough he might magically appear. _

It's just such a beautiful name. It rolls off the tongue... James Diamond.

_Seriously, stop._

Sorry. But you have to agree with me Ken? He certainly was a very fine looking specimen.

_Yeah but I was kind of distracted by him screaming and yelling and just generally throwing a tantrum. Why do you care so much? _

Do I?

No.

I don't.

If I don't care so much why am I begging to know more? Why is my heart and mind suddenly searching for answers?

"Who did you say that was sorry?" I ask innocently, looking at Logan.

"Oh, that's James Diamond. I don't even want to waste your time with telling you who he is"

No, please Logan seriously, waste my time. Waste every single minute talking to me about this James Diamond.

"He's an ass" Camille grunts, stabbing a piece of food with her fork harshly.

"He is... but that might not be fair" Logan says slowly.

"What do you mean?" I ask, pushing the food around on my plate but not actually eating any.

"Well, technically you could say we all have our "ass" moments. I know when I'm suffering particularly hard from my bipolar I can be a _huge _ass. So his illness doesn't help"

"Logan we both know it's more than just his illness" Camille scoffs.

"Yeah I guess" Logan shrugs. "He's not a nice person. So I wouldn't waste your time"

Once again Logan I want to waste every single minute.

"What is his illness?"

Is my voice calm? I don't know? I don't want it to seem like I'm freaking out over this boy I don't even know.

"Borderline Personality Disorder" Logan shrugs.

"... Which is? I'm not really up to date with all my mental illnesses at the moment"

Both Logan and Camille chuckle. I like that. I want to see them laugh more.

"BPD is a lot of things really. But if you want a broad classification, basically it's a personality disorder marked by a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. It typically involves an unusual degree of instability in mood and black-and-white thinking, or splitting. BPD often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes and chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, issues with self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in ones sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation"

I'm sorry...

What?

Who is this guy? Seriously?

"That's the general definition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders by the World Health Organization of America"

He shrugs.

I'll say that again, he _shrugs. _

"And you just read that manual in your free time do you?" I ask half joking, half serious.

"Pretty much" He says with another _shrug. _

"Um, why?"

"I don't know really. I guess I just find it all fascinating and I just have to know... I like to know everything about everything going on in our world. When I hear of someone's illness I just have to learn everything I can about it or I'll go crazy. So tonight for example I'm going to read everything I can on diss –"

I shoot him a warning glare which causes him to cut what he was saying short.

It's not that I don't trust Camille; I just am not keen on people knowing.

"So can I have a dumbed down version of what you just said?" I ask, hoping Camille didn't pick up on anything strange. She seems to be too lost in her bread roll right now.

Logan chuckles slightly. "Basically it means he is crazy"

I give him my best "Come on, seriously" look, which earns me another small laugh.

"He is slightly crazy though, although everyone here is a bit I guess. It just means James and his personality are a ticking time bomb. You never know what you're going to get with James and there are a few other people here who have it, but of course James seems to make it even more dramatic. And with what I said about how he is with other people, one minute he can love you and be basically worshiping you and the next minute he will want to destroy your life"

Logan casts his eyes down sadly and it gives me the sneaking suspicion that he has been on the receiving end of James' adoration/demonization at least once, but he doesn't say anything.

"Why is he sitting in Green?" I ask.

"Oh well with BPD it screws you up a bit in terms of self image and self appreciation because your mood is so disturbed. It is extremely common for people with BPD to develop eating disorders and other image disorders. The main crux of it is; James is extremely emotionally unstable"

Hmm... Extremely emotionally unstable... Is it weird that I kind of like that?

_Yes..._

"I have a question"

"Shoot" Logan says casually, "oh hey if you want me to help you out a bit with your food I don't mind, I'm still starving and those potatoes look incredible."

"Logan!" Camille says harshly, "You could get into so much trouble!"

"I'll be sneaky. You don't mind do you Kendall?"

"No! No not at all!" I say quickly and feel as if the biggest weight has been taken off my shoulders.

"So what's your question?" He asks, looking around him casually before picking up a piece of cut potato. Did I mention everything on the plate was already pre cut? No knifes... Smart thinking by Hathaway.

"Well how is it different from your bipolar? With the mood swings and all?"

"Good question" he says thoughtfully, stroking his chin with his index finger. "They're actually very different. Mine is a bit more black and white, it's basically; happy or sad. I know it's far more in-depth than that but if you want to look at it simply then that's it. And in times I'm not experiencing an episode of mania I am generally fine, well apart from my anxiety, where as with borderline it's just one total mind fuck 24/7 for James. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for him... He would never have control of his emotions. One wrong word to him and it's like BOOM, he's a different person"

"Still an ass" Camille mutters.

"And that's the other problem with borderline" He says, looking at Camille, "It destroys all your relationships. Even to the one's James loves he could be wanting to smash their face in sometimes. So imagine what's he's like with the counsellors and stuff here? He's a nightmare"

"Oh" I say quietly, sensing they don't want to talk much more about James.

I can't help but feel my heart reach out to him for a second. It must be so tough for him...

"The annoying this is," Logan says suddenly as his brain clearly wants to rant about something, "Sometimes he can be the nicest, sweetest person in the whole world. There are times when James will simply look at you or say something to you and you just feel... you just feel like he's an Angel that's been sent down from Heaven personally for you. It's like... in that moment he would be anything for you, do anything... He's perfect"

"And then..." Camille says with a sigh.

"And then two minutes later he'll be like a Demon. Shattering every bit of soul and feeling you think you've ever had in one second. He's cold hazel eyes stare into you and in that moment you would rather die a sweet, sweet death."

"Holy shit" I mutter, my head reeling from all this information. "I'm guessing you have fallen under his spell I few times then?"

"Oh, I mean, oh um" he says nervously, cheeks flushing red.

Cute.

"It's just sometimes there's just something about him and you can't help it and –"

"Its fine" I say with a smile.

"I don't like him or anything though, if that's what you're thinking!"

"No because he likes someone else" Camille smirks playfully.

"Camille!" Logan says with a whine, cheeks now blood red.

"Oooh who?" I ask with a grin.

"No one" He mutters.

"Logan's crush is in our therapy and he's –" Camille begins before she is abruptly cut off.

"Please don't Camille!"

"Did I hear your crush was a _he_ Logan?" I ask with a smirk to match Camille's.

"Oh my god" Logan groans, the look on his face as if he would happily accept being swallowed by the ground at this moment.

"Yeah it's a he" Camille continues, "He's actually the coolest guy ever. I mean if you ignore the fact that he is a recovering alcoholic _and _drug addict and would stab you to get his hands on some cocaine. BUT if you ignore all that he's awesome"

"He's so much more than awesome" Logan sighs fondly. "Oh I mean, oh um."

Day dreaming again.

"His name is Carlos" Logan mutters, "And he's incredible. But he doesn't even know I exist..."

"Well now we both know that's not true because he's in our therapy, he's heard you talk over like a thousand times" Camille sighs.

"Yeah but we've never even spoken once personally or anything. But he's just so funny and nice and a little bit crazy but in a good way and I just love him and –"

"I get it" I smile. "You should try talking to him"

"No way!" Logan says in horror, "I wouldn't know what to say! I would make such a fool of myself"

I've set myself a personal goal for the next week or two: Get Logan to talk to this Carlos kid.

"Is he here right now?" I ask, looking around me, although I realise that's a stupid because I have no idea what he looks like.

"No, he eats in Blue. He would have finished ages ago. Can we just drop it now, please?"

"Fine" I sigh.

With the help from Logan my food is finished in no time. He offers to help Camille but she insists she can do it and gives me a stern look that is basically saying "You can only get better if you try"

I'll be fine.

I mean I ate pretty much half, so I won't be dying tonight.

Well not from starvation.

There's still a good few hours in which to ruin my life.

"So it's 8 o'clock now" Logan says as we exit the dining hall. "We have a 10 o'clock curfew so we have at least an hour to do whatever we want"

"Oh well what do you usually do in your free time?"

"Probably just go back to the room and read, but that's boring and I want to make sure you like it here as much as possible" He smiles. "So there's a few things we could do. Watch some TV? A movie? The library? Or I could take you outside? Jett probably didn't take you outside"

"No he didn't, I don't mind going outside. I didn't know if there would be much of an outside?"

"Oh yeah it's pretty awesome" He says as he turns us down the back corridor of the building. "And before you even think about it there are gates and fences and stuff so no escaping"

"Hey who said I would be trying to escape?"

Logan simply gives me a pointed look and says nothing as we approach a small glass door.

"There's heaps of ways to get outside but I like this way because it takes you through the garden"

He opens the glass door and we step out, the crunch of pebbles, maybe gravel? Under my feet.

Every sense I have is suddenly invaded by the sight before me.

My sight.

My smell.

My hearing.

Even my taste.

And I know my touch would also be affected if I were to reach out and touch one of hundreds of thousands flowers I am now surrounded by.

Roses.

Tulips.

Lilies.

Sunflowers.

Red. White. Pink. Orange. Yellow. Green. Purple.

Every colour, every flower you could possible think of is here in this small, secluded space.

The bright moon bathes the sky high flowers in eerie light and bounces off the water of the small fountain in the middle of the courtyard.

There's only one word for it.

Beautiful.

"I know" Logan says quietly.

"Hmm?"

"It's beautiful, I know. I was in awe when I came out here for the first time too"

"Yeah it's just... wow"

We walk for a bit in silence around the courtyard/garden and it's nice. It's the most at peace I've felt in a long, long time. Even Ken is quiet and not disturbing my thoughts.

I could stay here forever.

We turn the corner of the little maze and I'm expecting to just walk into free space, what I'm not expecting is to smash into... it's not a wall. It's not more flower bushes because that would feel different... it's definitely something hard and strong and has me flying to the ground and on my ass in a matter of seconds.

"Ow" I groan, looking down at my hands to see how much damage they took from supporting the brunt of the fall.

When I deem they're not so bad, just mildly grazed, I look up.

A person.

Right so I ran into a person but I can't really make out whom they are.

Their tall, I know that much and strong. Very strong.

The mystery figure is shadowed from the moon, bathed in that same eerie light that doesn't let me associate with a clear face.

Whoever they are they're not saying anything, not even an apology for ramming me to the ground.

I stand quickly so I can come face to face with this mystery man.

Dark, cold, hateful hazel eyes stare into my own and I've forgotten how to breathe.

... James.

And that's when I feel it.

No.

Please, not now.

Please any time but now.

_This is going to be so great Kendall. _

And that's when the darkness descends and I am no longer aware of conscious thought.

It's time for Ken to have his fun.

* * *

**A/N: Here comes Ken... watch out world!**

**Oh and I actually own the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders by the World Health Organization of America... Why you may ask? Becuase I'm crazy... Haha but seriously, my Mums a psychiatrist. **

**I tried to casually ask her about some mental illness' and she judged me... **


	3. Some Nights

**A/N: Before I even say my courteous hello I'm going to start with: Sorry! I hate leaving it this long between updates. I've been so disracted this past week. You can blame Amy... just kidding, I love you cyber wife ;) She loves it when I send her little drabbles about how Kendall made James sick whilst they are on tour at the moment (in case you haven't heard apparently both Kendall and James are sick, which only means one thing... Even when sick James wants to kiss his boyfriend) **

**Anyway! Hello :) **

**I hope you like this chapter. It's sort of a chapter to set a lot of things up that I have planned for this story, so there's not a huge amount of plot development- more apologies! **

**But I like it, regardless. Writing from Ken's mind was enjoyable. It was so different from the first two chapters, it was like writing a whole different fic. He's so different from Kendall. **

**Enjoy! :) **

**P.S Thank you sooo much for all the reviews/alerts/favourites - they're so awesome :) YOU'RE awesome.**

* * *

**Chapter 3 - Some Nights.**

**Ken.**

Fuck. Yes.

As I feel my senses connect the life grows stronger and stronger within me.

The light breeze tingles my face.

The moonlight bathes on my skin.

The smell of the flowers.

I take a deep breath and let the sweet, sweet air fill my lungs and my senses.

Then I let my eyes roam, taking in everything around me. When I'm inside Kendall's head I know what's going on but it's like looking through the looking glass. It's blurry, only half the image.

This is _so _much better.

My eyes fall on James.

What's the big deal?

Why the fuck does Kendall care so much?

All I see is brunette hair, tanned skin, endless muscles and piercing hazel eyes.

But wow, if looks could kill...

Whenever I take over the body I get that small little sensation in the back on my mind, I know Kendall's there. Probably screaming and kicking up a fuss, but I never let him in, never.

I know what he would be saying right now though... "Oh please Ken, please, don't do anything bad, please"

Hah. That kid needs to learn how to let go, have some fun. If it weren't for me his life would have been so much worse.

Seriously, it would.

"Kendall?" I hear a small timid voice say to my right.

I turn quickly, eyes falling on... Logan.

His name is like dirt in my mouth.

He looks scared, like he knows. Of course he knows, this kid is a freak, he knows everything.

My lips turn into a smirk as I stare him down.

"Hey Logan do me a favour will you? Fuck off"

"Ken?"

Yeah, he's scared. So scared. I love it.

"Ken if that's you... Let Kendall come back"

"What so you can suck up to him a bit more? Want to be his friend do you? Well here's the thing Logan, Kendall doesn't have friends. And even if he did he certainly wouldn't be friends with _you"_

"No, he likes me, I know he does. I also know not to take anything you say to heart; I know you're not Kendall"

All I can do is smirk, he's trying to be brave, and I can see it.

"That's funny" I sneer, taking a step closer to him, "Because when Kendall was thinking about how much of a freak you were it certainly didn't seem like he wanted to be friends"

"You're lying," he says in a small voice.

"It's funny you think I am. When you had your little freak out I remember exactly what Kendall was thinking, 'What do I do? How am I going to cope living with this?'"

His eyes go wide. "You...Kendall? You're Kendall... But you're not. You're him... I can't... no... This is too much"

As his hands begin to shake I can only laugh more. "That's right, have a little episode. Don't you get it Logan? I'm simply the thoughts Kendall doesn't say out loud, you can always rely on me for the truth."

"I can't... I can't... I'm sorry Kendall I can't..."

He begins to walk away but I grab him by the arm, my fingers digging harshly into his soft skin.

"Don't forget" I say quietly, leaning in to his ear so I can whisper, "We share a room. You can't hide from me"

"Please, Kendall, please let me go" He says in almost a sob.

"How many times am I going to have to fucking tell you?" I say angrily, voice rising. "It's Ken"

As a tear begins to roll down his cheek I let out a cold laugh. "You're such a baby, fuck off and leave me alone"

Logan yanks his arm away from my grasp and turns quickly back the way we came, almost at a run as the tears roll down his cheeks.

I turn back to James, who (for a split second) I had forgotten had been standing there.

He's staring in wide eyed confusion.

"What the fuck is going on?" He says quietly, voice as cold as ice.

But it's also beautiful and melodic and drips like honey off his tongue.

Wait, what the fuck? I didn't just think that.

Fucking Kendall, fucking get out my brain.

"Hi" I say with a grin and my hand extended, "Ken"

He doesn't move to return the shake, simply raises an eyebrow. "Isn't your name Kendall?"

"No" I scoff. "Kendall's not here at the moment"

"Fuck this" He grunts, "I don't have time for this shit"

He makes a move to push past me but I throw my arms out, placing both hands on his strong chest to stop him. And fuck, he really is strong.

James' chest feels magnificent against my finger tips; I let them linger for a fraction of a second and feel the rock hard muscles harden beneath my touch.

James stops, everything stops, even time fucking stops. It's like when I touched him I just...

Shut up, this isn't happening. Kendall can be gay all he fucking wants but it's not happening to me.

He grabs a hold of my wrists, assumedly to shove my hands of his chest but again... He stops.

For a second, for a fraction of a perfect second his fingertips linger on my skin.

Sparks, like electrical currents, course through my veins at his touch and my knees feel weak. Why does he have this affect on me? I hate it. I hate this. I hate it all.

Almost as soon as the sparks fly they are dead, as he rips my hands from his chest I feel as if someone has just taken away a lifeline...

No! This is corny and shit and gay and my mind needs to shut the fuck up.

"Who are you?" James asks, breaking the intense silence in a voice so cutting I feel bruised.

"My names Ken" I grin, turning the charm on once more.

Wait... I'm charming him now?

"And that's short for Kendall I'm assuming?"

His voice is controlled, hesitant and above all; cautious. He knows to be confused and even perhaps a little afraid...

"Yes... And no" I say slowly, watching the confusion on his face grow.

"What do you -"

"I'll tell you another time" I interrupt. "I saw you, making a huge fucking scene in the dining hall... classy" I scoff.

I watch his fists ball at his sides, his hazel eyes flash with anger... I love it. I want to see him fall apart in front of me.

"Shut up" he growls, turning once more to leave but I grab him by the wrist.

Damn that spark.

"Don't leave just yet, I'm having fun. Aren't you having fun?"

His lips turn into a hard line as he stares me down. "If you know what's good for you, you won't push me" he says in a low voice that I assume is meant to be threatening.

"Or what?" I challenge with a smirk, "you'll beat me to death with that comb in your pocket?"

I'd noticed it - or should I say Kendall noticed it - when he stared James up and down before we switched. Judging by his perfect brunette hair I'd say that comb never leaves his pocket. Which is fine... You know... For like... a girl.

"Fuck off, the comb is... lucky"

I stare at him in complete and utter disbelief; it's time to take this kid off the meds.

"How the hell can a comb be lucky?"

"It just is" he snaps.

"Whatever" I smirk. "So that little drama queen scene in the dining hall... what was that? Couldn't handle the potatoes?"

"Look here Ken" He growls and takes a step closer towards me, "I know you're new here so I'll tell you this right now, you do not want to fuck with me. Each minute this conversation continues the worse it is going to get"

"You think you scare me don't you?"

"I should, I scare almost everyone else here"

"Why?"

"I've done... I've done some terrible things"

I tilt my head to the side and look at him thoughtfully; the cold hard demeanour is beginning to crumble by the second. Is this the emotional instability Logan was talking about? Crap... I actually don't know what I'm going to get when it comes to James.

"What sort of things?"

"Why do you even want to know? Why are you even bothering with me?"

"Because I think you're interesting" I shrug with a grin. "So an eating disorder huh? Figures"

Ah there we go... there's that angry fire in his eyes again.

"You don't know anything about me. What about you? Fucking skinny as shit"

"Yeah that's not my fault, which reminds me, I'm hungry as all hell. Is there like a kitchen here I can raid?"

James raises an eyebrow at me and crosses his arms. "Are you bulimic or something?"

"God no!" I scoff in disgust, "Trust me, I am honestly just so fucking hungry, it's Kendall, he always does this to me. Barely gives us anything to eat and –"

"Stop it. Stop talking. I will tell you where to go if you just stop confusing the fuck out of me" James interrupts with that same bewildered expression he has been sporting most of this conversation.

"Can you take me there? I have no idea where anything is in this place"

He hesitates before answering; looking as if a personal battle is raging inside his head. "Ken I... I don't think it would be a good idea for me to go there"

"What? Why not?"

"Because... If I go there with you and see all that food... I might lose control and eat it"

"So?" I chuckle. "Might be good for you, you're like all muscle and not much else"

"Good. I like it that way. But no Ken you don't understand, or you do whatever, it's just... if I binge I will fucking hate myself, the minute I stop it'll be hell... I don't even know why I'm telling you this but once after a binge, a particularly bad one I ended up in the hospital for a few weeks..."

"How?"

"Purging... cutting... the usual post binge activities. So I can't go with you, I mean unless you want me to kill myself" He says, adding the end bit on as somewhat of a joke, but at the same time I don't doubt that is what he would actually try and do.

If Kendall were here right now I know exactly what he would say... '_Of course James, of course I understand, we won't go anywhere near the kitchen. You must stay strong alright? I never want you to feel in a position where death was the answer.'_

Prick.

"Nah it'll be fine" I smile, "Come with me, please? I promise I won't make you do anything you don't want, I just want you to take me there"

He looks torn, he looks oh so torn.

"Fine" he sighs eventually, walking past me and back to the building.

Kendall is going to be mad. No, he's not just going to be mad he's going to flip the fuck out. Sometimes I do this... when we switch I'll eat like crazy because seriously, come on Kendall... how can you survive living off what you eat? It's almost like the minute we switch I feel the stabbing hunger pains in my stomach. It's dreadful. I personally like to think I'm doing him a favour, but he won't see it that way.

It's getting late, I know it will be that stupid curfew soon but I don't care and apparently, James doesn't either. As we go back inside there are a few people still hanging about, watching the last few minutes of their favourite television programme or simply just getting their last hit of Hathaway gossip. James and I manage to remain unseen, or if we are I get the feeling people take one look at James are run for the hills. Damn it I really want to experience some epic mood changes with him to see what the fuss is all about.

As we round the corner from the back of the house to where I assume the kitchens must be James hesitates.

"They're through there" he says, shoving his hands deep in his dark blue jeans. "Be careful, you'll get in a shit load of trouble if you're caught"

"Come with me" I respond with a grin, a request to which he instantly shakes his head.

"Don't think so. I haven't eaten properly in three days, if I go in there and see all that shit... Just no"

"Aww come on, don't make me beg" I say with big eyes and what I hope is an equally as big grin.

"I don't know what is about you Ken..." He says thoughtfully, hesitantly, carefully, really any word you can think of for; cautious and confused.

"I'm amazing? Awesome? Fun? Irresistible?"

"A dick?"

"That too. But I feel like you love it"

"That's the worrying thing" He mutters in a voice so low I almost missed it but before I can start questioning him, he speaks again. "Well come on then, dick"

I merely grin as I follow him through a seemingly boring, white wood door but way lays beyond the white wood door is anything less that boring. A kitchen, about the size of my whole house in Sherwood, appears. Stainless steel, crystal clean and thousands of cupboards that are screaming my name. Were definitely not meant to be in here, but I mean come on what do they expect? They have the door just open... dumb.

"It's weird you can just come in here" I muse as I follow him through the kitchen.

He lets out a laugh, it's a beautiful sound.

Since when is the world 'beautiful' in my vocabulary?

"Pretty and dumb" He chuckles.

Pretty?

"Obviously nothing is just out in the open for the taking, everything get's locked up. Oh and before you even think about, the knives aren't kept in here; even I don't know where they are"

I don't respond, merely keeping my judgements to myself. I wasn't even thinking about knives, Kendall might though.

We stop in front of a large, heavy, stainless steel door and I can feel James' hesitation and fear seeping into my own skin.

"Oh move over" I groan, reaching around him to pull the heavy latch. However much to my dismay it doesn't budge.

"I'll say it again, pretty and dumb"

... Pretty?

James shoves me out of the way, which kind of makes me want to snap at him but I keep quiet, he's the key to my happiness for the evening, and who knows how long I'm going to have the body for? Pretty sure if we switch whilst I have my head in a box of cookies or something when James is next to me will be too much for Kendall's fickle heart to bear.

In a flash, and way too fast for my eyes to see James is entering a series of numbers in a keypad on the wall and then... ta da!

"How do you know the codes to the fridge?" I ask, eagerly awaiting him to swing the door open.

James doesn't answer, merely taps the side of his nose with his finger and grins. He makes no sense. One minute he will be looking as if he wants to punch me and then the next minute he's all grinny and jokey and calling me _pretty_.

James is... well you know what, it's about time I broke out my favourite word; James is _insane. _

As the large, stainless steel door swings open my eyes suddenly burst with desire. I can see everything, everything in this huge walk-in fridge.

Savoury food.

Sweet food.

Snack food.

All round bad food.

My stomach screams in happy ecstasy, positively begging to be filled by every single morsel in this fridge.

I practically run to the first thing I see: A loaf of bread and a packet of sliced cheese.

Just what the doctor ordered.

The soft, white, fluffy bread is like heaven on my tongue and the cheese melts with every bite. It completely baffles me as to why Kendall doesn't eat more. The faster and the more I eat the more the body begins to protest, it's not use to this. It's not used to getting filled to brim with calorie exploding goodness.

I've been so lost in the delight of the bread I don't even notice James staring at me from the doorway.

"You've got to spread it out" He says quietly, voice reserved and guarded. "If you eat too much of one thing they'll notice someone has been in here and change the codes again, and they're a bitch to figure out"

"Oh" I say, well more like grunt from all the food in my mouth.

I swallow down the remainder of my mouthful and move on to my next helping.

Let's see let's see...

Bingo.

"Seems ironic they would have cake at a place where people get treated for eating disorders" I snicker, slowly peeling the wrapping off a large slab of chocolate mud cake.

"Oh my god" I moan in ecstasy as the chocolate overload hits my taste buds. "James you _have _to have some of this cake"

He shakes his head furiously, rocking back and forward on his heels and looking so incredibly uncomfortable.

"Come on" I coo, "It's so light, the chocolate melts in your mouth, the icing is as smooth as whipped cream... come on you know you want to"

I hold a piece out to him and wave it around tauntingly, watching his face strain with indecision.

"Ugh! Fuck it!" He says angrily, taking about two strides to get to me with those insanely long legs.

James snatches the piece of cake out of my hand so fast I don't even have time to blink, and practically inhales it.

"Fuck" He mutters, wiping the icing from the corner of his lips.

"You missed some" I grin, bringing my hand to his face and wiping the corner of his mouth ever so lightly with my thumb.

He shivers under my touch and his eyes close slightly, but almost as if he knows that what he is doing is wrong his eyes snap open and he shoves my hand away. "Just give me some more cake, oh and if I kill myself because of this it's all your fault"

I hand him another piece and we both start eating like there's no tomorrow. I think about his statement. Would James really kill himself from this?

Ultimately... I don't care.

* * *

**What's going to happen next? Will it be Kendall or Ken returning to the room with sweet Logie bear? Will James go off the rails from what Ken pushed him to do? Will Kendall? What's going to happen when James meets the actual Kendall for the first time? He will be expecting an a rude, asshole, dick who will stand up for himself. Not cute little shy Kendall. Oh and what about Carlos? What's his story? SO much drama to come - I'm excited ;)**


	4. No

**A/N: Hi :) **

**I honestly have nothing to say... except for that I am sorry for lack in updating :/ Don't worry, I'm picking up my game.**

**And thank you all for your amazing reviews! :) They make me so happy. I enjoy that nearly all of you are rooting for Ken...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush. Unhappy face.**

* * *

**Chapter 4 - No.**

The first thing I notice when I wake up is a sharp, almost stabbing sensation deep in my stomach.

I feel sick.

Completely and utterly sick.

But what sort of sickness?

A hangover?

The flu?

Was it something I ate?

Something I ate...

With that thought I sit up and hunch over to my right hand side as the contents of my stomach expel themselves onto the ground below.

This feeling is not an unfamiliar one. The heaving, the pain, the tears pricking the corner of my eyes, yes; this is a feeling I am intimately familiar with.

When it finally stops I place my head in my hands, trying to get any grip on reality. As I see the grass and leaves between my legs I wonder; where am I? And as I feel like I have not been conscious for what always feels like hours I wonder; who am I?

Let's answer backwards.

Who am I?

Considering I feel nothing but sickness, self loathing, pain and that ever consciousness craziness, I am going to assume I'm me.

But who is me?

Surely saying _"I'm me"_ could be confusing.

Kendall.

I'm Kendall.

Right?

_Right._

Ken...

My heart begins to race, I can't think straight. I feel disoriented. And I feel like I'm going to be sick again.

"Ken" I whisper, putting my head between my legs as I begin to rock back and forth. I refuse to answer the first question just yet.

Ken what did you do...

_Let's just say... I had fun._

Ugh. No. Not fun. Not for me.

You... you ate didn't you?

_Kendall, before you start the inquisition give me a fucking break. _

Why... why should I? I've woken up here, in the middle of... I have no fucking idea where and the contents of my stomach are now on the floor next to me.

_Surely that's ok... you've pretty much gotten rid of everything I ate... No stress._

Yes! Yes stress! But fuck, ignore the food for now. I'll handle that later. What happened last night? I remember... We had dinner. With Logan and Camille. And then... and then Logan took us outside and it was beautiful and amazing and I felt at peace for the first time in forever but then I think... I think I fell, I bumped into something... no! No it was someone... who?

_This is so painful..._

I remember.

My throat goes dry, my fingers dig into my legs and I am definitely going to be sick again.

_Gross..._

"Ugh" I groan, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand and putting my head back between my legs. I refuse to open my eyes yet.

James Diamond...

I ran into... James.

Whoa.

Wait. Stop.

What was that?

Feelings hit me like a tidal wave, but I know they are not my own. Ken hasn't said anything... but it must have been him... Wow, well this is new.

And what is maybe the most confusing are the bombarding feelings themselves.

Hmm... Interesting. Ken... what happened?

No response. Great. I'll figure it out later.

It's time to figure out question number one.

Where am I?

I lift my head slowly out of my hands and before I even notice my surroundings I notice the sun, burning hot and bright in my eyes, completely filtering my vision.

Hot.

It's way too hot.

Slowly, colour begins to infiltrate my pupils, strings of colours all tying together as one to help form a picture in my brain.

Greens.

Yellows.

Reds.

Browns.

I hate this. I feel so lost.

The problem is, I could be completely in control of my body and mind right now and it wouldn't matter because I have no fucking idea where I am anyway.

A forest?

Would forest be an apt description?

Probably.

Probably a fair assessment considering I am surrounded by nothing but oak trees higher than my eyes can even fathom seeing, and oak tree's that are packed so tightly it's like an intricate maze that one could easily get lost in in a matter of seconds. If it weren't for the _'Where the fuck am I?' _moment I am currently having it would actually be kind of beautiful.

I'm going to have to put the scenery at the back of my mind for the moment because suddenly, I hear a sound. A groan? A mumble? Definitely a human sound. But the problem is... I'm not the one making it.

And that's when I notice. I don't know how I didn't before.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see someone lying next to me. The desire to know who it is, is burning hot within me but the sense of fear, which is equally as dominant, has me paralysed.

I can hear a small hum of contempt within my mind.

So Ken knows who it is...

Fuck.

I tilt my head slowly to the side with my eyes close, and ever so slowly peek through my long lashes down at the figure next to me.

No.

No no no.

No.

First thought: Thank God I vomited to my right and not my left.

Second thought: Holy. FUCK!

"J-James" My voice stammers out in barely a whisper.

If I thought I was feeling nauseous, sick, and anxious and generally freaking the fuck out two minutes ago I was_ so_ wrong. I can't breathe due to what feels like my heart is blocking my airways, my hands are positively trembling and the only thing telling me that I haven't blacked out is the burning hot sun that continues its relentless sting in my eyes.

So here I am. In the middle of god knows where, feeling like I've been hit by a bus, wanting to keep throwing up until I black out and sitting next to a sleeping James Diamond.

My brain kicks into overdrive as it starts to imagine every single scenario that could have taken place last night. This has happened before... Oh yes if I had a dollar for every time I have woken up next to a complete stranger... But the problem is when it's not a stranger, that's when things get... Complicated.

Is James a stranger?

_Not to me... _

See? See this is the fucking problem. When James wakes up he's going to know _me, _but it will be Ken he knows.

My legs feel the urge to run, run as fast as they can and never look back but that fear still has me paralysed.

"Please Ken" I choke, "Please"

_What?_

"What did you do?"

My voice is low, broken and I can hear pain radiating through every syllable.

_You know what might be fun?_

It's not going to be fun...

_It might be fun to let James fill you in. _

I was right. Not fun.

I allow myself to look at his beautiful sleeping form. And he really is just as beautiful as I remembered from the night before. And now, now those hard, angry lines of his perfect face are at peace. Oh to graze my finger tips across those cheeks, the brightness of those cheeks would outshine the stars the way the sun outshines a lamp, I am sure of it. I want to trace his lips with my own, possessing every inch of them until they are completely mine and I am completely his...

_Knight, stop._

The warning spoken within my brain snaps me out of my trance, and those feelings I felt earlier are bombarding me once more.

Ken's mind within mine is shut tighter than Pandora's Box... sometimes I wish to force it open so the secrets from all these years spill into me, but I feel the effects would be similar to that of Pandora... all the words evil inside my head.

_Harsh... _

Ken, I wish you would explain these feelings to me. They're so close within my grasp... but they keep falling through the cracks of my mind. And these feelings are yours... You don't have feelings.

_Not true. I have plenty of feelings._

Just not nice ones...

_Right._

But these feelings now... I feel warmth and sunshine and happiness and...

Ken, _what _the hell?

_These aren't my feelings, idiot._

Why do I feel like you're lying? You know I haven't felt warmth, sunshine and happiness in a long time.

...

Emptiness. Nothing but emptiness.

But he's still there...

Beside me, James begins to stir. I can't be here when he wakes up, I just can't. Acting on complete adrenaline, considering my brain has given up on any form of connection with my limbs, I am up and my legs are moving faster than I could have ever deemed possible.

As I run I try to ignore the pounding of my head in each stride and the painful clench in the pit of my stomach. I realise I have absolutely no idea where I am or where I'm going, for all I know I could be heading in the wrong direction of Hathaway but it doesn't matter. I just need to escape James.

Wait.

Do I want to go back to Hathaway? I figure I am well and truly not in their grounds anymore... So this could be my opportunity to just... leave.

_Kendall..._

I could run, and never come back. Run away from everyone and everything...

_Kendall..._

Start a new life for myself... Be free.

_Kendall..._

Just you and me Ken, it would be great, we could -

_KENDALL!_

What?

_Kendall stop! Enough of this! Look, no one wants to see you go completely insane more than me, but don't you think this is what you need? Don't you think Hathaway is where you need to be? What about your Mum? Katie? What about them?_

I know everything has gone to hell when Ken is being the voice of reason. But why? Ken... are you sure there's not another reason you want me to go back to that place?

_Kendall... just fucking listen to me for once in your life. Go back to Hathaway. You're not far; you're going in the right direction._

Interesting... Ken knows where to go and yet I do not. Why must he get this treat of being within my mind but I don't receive the same?

_Because I keep you out._

Why can't I keep you out then... why are there not two sides to the coin?

_Have you ever thought that maybe you don't want to block me out? _

I want nothing more than that.

_You need me Kendall. _

As I curse Ken's name under my breath and continue to run I can't help but let myself think... he's right.

* * *

Surprisingly getting back into Hathaway was incredibly easy. For some reason I was expecting there to be electric fences and guards and dogs and Mr Rocque would be waiting for me with a cold hard stare...

Not that I'm entirely sure what the punishment for leaving the grounds would be... He sure went through a lot of rules with me yesterday but apparently running away was a "We will cross that bridge when we come to it" sort of situation.

So I'm at the bridge... Do I have to cross?

I have no idea what time it is, but judging from all the people wandering around it's definitely past the required wake up time, maybe breakfast? I manage to slip through the back door Logan took me out of last night, and remain seemingly unseen as I run up the stairs in haste.

I'm going to be in so much trouble. I already know. But for now I'll just focus on getting back to my room safely.

I open the door slowly, peering my head round the corner. Would Logan be here? Would he be angry with me? Would one of the workers in white already me waiting for me?

Deep breath...

There's no one.

Thank God.

I rush in, shutting the door behind me as fast as I can. I don't know what to do first; do I want to collapse on the bed? Do I want to take a shower? Or do I want to go find Logan and get him to help me figure this whole crazy mess out?

Shower first.

Logan second.

Collapsing later.

* * *

After I have washed some of the nights woes away and have dressed in clean clothes that don't smell like sun, dirt and other miscellaneous items I find myself walking down the hardwood stairs, letting my fingers glide across the banister, relishing in the way the cool wood feels beneath my touch.

I find Logan in the library after a good twenty minutes of searching and trying to avoid the workers in white. He's got his head buried in a book and he looks... peaceful.

Well up until I get his attention anyway.

"Logan?"

His head snaps up from the book and all forms of peace have now vanished. The colour drains from his already pale cheeks and his small hands begin to tremble.

Crap.

I know that look.

Ken, what did you do?

I can almost hear Ken smirking in response.

"Logan are you ok?" I ask gently, sitting down next to him at the desk.

He can barely move, except for the trembling hands, and I've never felt my heart like this. I barely even know the kid and I feel like I've destroyed a part of me, a part of my family.

_Don't waste your time Kendall._

"Logan" I say again, placing a hand on his shoulder and trying to ignore his flinch, "Logan, you know it wasn't me"

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before he turns to me, "Kendall?"

His voice is small, reserved, hesitant and above all; scared.

"Yes it's me, Kendall."

He relaxes, but only slightly. He's still wary as all hell.

"Logan I have no idea what happened last night, but I'm so sorry"

"Kendall I... I don't..." He begins, "I don't know what to say."

"What did Ken do?" I ask quietly. It's always a dangerous question...

"He... He didn't do anything... I just get easily... anxious I guess" Logan mutters, not daring to look me in the eye.

"You know it's not me though, don't you?"

"Yes" He sighs, raising his head to let those chocolate eyes staring deep into my emerald. "After I left I had a pretty bad anxiety attack and went to the library, I found my favourite book and what was there a whole chapter on? Dissociative identity disorder... I read everything about it. I know it's not you who said those things it's just... it's just hard to look at you now with those same green eyes and not picture them full of hate and disdain"

"Oh Logan" I exclaim as I throw my arms around his small body, taking him completely by surprise. "Logan I'm so sorry. I wish Ken didn't exist, I wish none of this had happened, I hate it all so much"

I realise I am now sobbing softly into his shoulder, but he doesn't make any move to push me away, in fact he tightens his arms around me which makes me feel warm and safe and above all, I feel like I'm where I should be.

_I fucking hate you so much right now._

Shut up Ken.

"So you don't think I'm a freak then?" Logan whispers and I can hear the small smile in his voice.

"What?"

"Ken said... Ken said when I had my small panic attack yesterday afternoon you couldn't stop thinking about how much of a creep I was and how you were dreading being stuck in a room with me?"

"Ken" I growl under my breath, cursing that son of bitch.

"No Logan, that's not what I thought at all" I say reassuringly, probably almost crushing him under my grip.

"Ok" He sighs eventually, pulling back to look me in the eye, "Thank you"

"No, thank you" I smile, "I am sorry you are going to have to put up with all this shit"

"It's ok" He shrugs, "I think the thing that worries me the most is that you didn't come back last night! Where were you? What on earth happened?"

"Good question..." I mutter, not even knowing where to begin. "I woke up this morning, in the middle of some fucking forest, vomited for about five minutes, had no idea what I'd done since you and I walked through the garden and... and James was asleep next to me"

Logan's jaw drops open in what I assume is shock as he stares at me. "James Diamond?"

"Yeah... But I left before he woke up"

"Holy shit!" Logan breathes, "You were with him, or well Ken was with him when I left but I don't know what happened after that. Shit... Ken didn't tell you what happened?"

"No" I scoff, "Of course he didn't"

"Wow... I wonder if the two of you like... you know..."

It takes me a minute to catch on to what he's trying to say but when I realise I flush probably 10 shades darker. "I hope not" I choke, trying to control my breathing as images of James and I... together, begin to fill my head.

Ken... I swear to fucking God...

_Calm down. _

Don't always tell me to calm down! You and James didn't do anything did you Ken...

_Oh shut up Knight I'm not some fag._

I am barely reassured by that statement...

"Hey Logan, do they know I was gone?"

Logan frowns, "I'm not sure. We got our check up before bed and I said you were in the bathroom... and then this morning I said the same and I told Jo at the door for breakfast that you were on your way and she just checked you off the list without any questions so... They didn't question any of it so I don't know... I've never gotten in trouble before."

"Thanks Logan" I say with a small smile, he really didn't need to cover for me after Ken had been such an asshole.

_Watch it._

"Hey, what do I even have to do today?"

I realise that I must have some sort of schedule, I can't just sit around all day.

"Oh I took the liberty of checking your timetable and it's lucky, we have group therapy together"

"Oh, is that good?"

"Yeah well you will be with me and Camille" He shrugs.

"Yeah that is good" I smile.

"Oh but... um..." He says, nervousness clouding his voice all of sudden.

"What?" I feel like I already know what he's going to say.

"James... James is in our group too"

That's what I had been afraid of.

"I have to face him sooner or later" I sigh.

I was sort of just hoping on the later...

"Um... we better go. I was actually about to get ready to go before you got here"

"Oh really? We just get up and go? Isn't there some like schedules and stuff?"

"Yeah of course" He laughs softly, "You have a whole timetable and everything, but seeing as it's your first day you'll only really have the group therapy and then Miss Collins, our group therapist will probably see you afterwards to sort out the details. I mean... unless you get there and Mr Rocque shows up and drags you out..."

"Thanks Logan" I mutter, way to make me feel more nervous...

"Come on" He smiles, leaving his books on the table and grabbing me by the hand, pulling me up to follow him.

As he drags me along to our group therapy session I look down at our joined hands and part of me should find it strange... but I like it. I also like how he is handling the whole Ken situation...

_Just wait until next time._

Ignoring.

We're just about to reach the room, or so I guess from the small cluster of people entering a room at the end of the hall, when...

"Ken!"

No.

"Hey Ken!"

No.

"Hey Ken you're just going to ignore me?"

James.

Grinning.

Hand on my shoulder.

Sparkle in his hazel eyes.

No.

No.

"Thanks for running off on me this morning" He grins, hand still on my shoulder.

Although I don't really notice because I think I may be dead.

"Hey before we go into therapy do you reckon I could chat to you, in private?"

No.

_Yes._

* * *

***dramatic cliffhanger drumroll* **

**Next chapter is going to be good, I can sense it... :P**

**Kendall, James, Logan, Carlos... all in a room... together... shit is going to go _down._**

**_;)_**


	5. For The First Time

**A/N: Oh my goodness there is so much to say, where do I even begin? Maybe I will start with an apology. I am so sorry this took so long to come out :( I really have no excuse... except maybe university and also meeting the love of my life who takes up all my time... but I'm not complaining :)**

**I'm just going to have a tiny little moment of: HAS EVERYONE SEEN ALL THE KAMES THAT IS GOING ON LATELY! Like holy mother of God I don't think I can even handle it. Piggy back rides... the bee... _my boy_... no no no no my heart just can't take it. Naturally I had to change my avatar to the greatest picture in the whole world... and I notice many of you have too :P I don't blame you! Oh deary me Kames needs to come out in the open now... I mean they basically may as well have already told us with all the gayness they are displaying lately... Everyone will be crying when they realised they were on the wrong ship...**

**ANYWAY. Running Up That Hill, or as it's better known, Ruth. **

**This chapter is... wow. Opens up so many things that I absoloutely can't wait to get into. New aspects to Kendall's disorder (I've been doing my research), new characters and their disorders (oh and yes Dak's disorder is actually a real thing...) and then of course the mystery deepens with James... **

**So now, please enjoy Ruth and know that I love you all very, very much :) **

**Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLOS! :) I love you my sexy, cute, adorable, incredible, amazing, talented Latino :) **

**P.S The italics at the very beginning are purposely put in italics to mess with your mind... the idea is that you don't know who's thoughts they are. Kendall's? Ken's? James' even?**

**The italics right at the end are song lyrics, "For The First Time" by The Script. Sadly, I don't own them or their music!**

* * *

_To the untrained eye I think I would be seemingly normal. As far as aware I look normal, and I talk... Somewhat normal, but it's what people don't know, it's what truly lies within; that is what would shock people. Shocks me even. _

I don't like not knowing. I don't like looking into those deep, intense, beautiful hazel eyes and not knowing what history we have now shared. I don't like these looks, the questions, these assumptions. I don't like the fact Ken knows and won't tell me, or well in fact I guess you could say I don't like Ken in general. I guess you could say that I wish I was never put in a situation in which the voice in my head is one I listen to on occasion and right now holds the answers to the secrets I so desperately crave to know.

Those hazel eyes know too... Of course they know. They're full of mysteries, and secrets, but most importantly they're full of deeper things too, like anger, frustration, sadness, pain and... Something else I can't put my finger on just yet. I need to know him, I need to know _us_. Is there an us? Maybe it would be more appropriate to say "them".

I'm nervous. In fact, I'm beyond nervous. What do you feel when the most beautifully intimidating man you've ever known is staring you down and wanting to... talk? I think 'paralysing' fear is probably a correct feeling.

I've never been one to... talk.

"Earth to Ken"

What?

Oh yeah.

James.

Forgot.

I guess I'm just not used to someone talking to me, but they're addressing Ken... odd.

Oh and I also guess I'm not used to the most incredibly beautiful man ever talking to me in general.

_Since when are you so gay?_

I don't know.

And I'm not...

Gay.

_Right..._

I'm not.

There's just something about James...

Speaking of James, I might need to give him my attention now. Although I don't know how that is going to work without me completely freaking out. My heart is already beating at about 100 miles an hour.

He walks away, beckoning me to follow down the short hall and I don't think I can move. I certainly can't feel my legs that's for sure.

"Don't fucking ignore me come on" James sighs angrily back at me.

The anger in his voice sort of gives me the slight push I need. I don't know why but I've found myself with this need to please him, I don't want him angry with me.

_Who gives a fuck what he thinks Kendall._

I do.

"So what was the rush this morning?" James asks once I've caught up.

I can't find my voice. I also can't fathom his sudden shift in temperament, wasn't he grinning at me like two seconds ago?

He stares, waiting for an answer, and I can't even think straight under his impossibly breath taking glare.

'I- I um, I didn't want to get in trouble, I w-wanted to get back as soon as possible"

Wrong. All wrong. This isn't Ken, I'm not Ken, and he knows it.

Ken is strong, confident, cocky and has that natural ease of self assurance that I simply am never going to have.

"Really? Because from what I gathered last night you couldn't give a fuck about rules?"

Of course. Of course _I _wouldn't.

I'm faced with a dilemma. The dilemma of all dilemmas. Should I act like Ken? Pretend I know what he's talking about? Or should I tell him... the truth.

Problem with the truth though is it can be mighty dangerous.

_Yeah the truth hasn't exactly been your friend for many years now._

No, _you _haven't been my friend for many years now.

"Um yeah, sorry, I just, I just had to get back" I mumble as I cross my arms over my chest and stare at the floor. His gaze was getting to be too much.

"What's wrong with you this morning?" He asks, nothing but anger and confusion dripping from his tongue.

_Hey I have an idea, let's switch._

No! Absolutely not.

"Are you... do you feel weird after what I told you?"

My eyes snap up. His features have softened, and just like that, in a flash, he has changed. There's now hesitance, wary, fear... pain, all across his face. Anger for the moment, forgotten.

Told me what though?

I hear Ken sigh in my mind. Is that even possible? Can one hear a sigh in their mind?

What did he tell you?

_This will be interesting. _

No.

Help me.

_Extremely interesting. _

"Are you going to answer me?"

There's that anger. That hurtful anger. I only want to please him.

_That's the most... Kendall shut the fuck up._

What? I do. I need him to be happy with me, I can't stand that gaze. Those eyes...

"S-sorry James" I mumble, "I'm going to therapy"

I turn to leave, but before I can he grabs a hold of my hand and my heart stops and I freeze.

Memories invade my mind, memories that I know aren't my own.

I can't move, I can't think, I can't do anything but stare straight ahead. But I'm not seeing James, or white walls, or brightness or anything.

I'm not in the walls of Hathaway now. And I'm not Kendall.

...

_"Come on! Hurry up!" His voice rings through the trees. I can't see him, but I sure can hear him. _

_My legs move fast underneath me, like I am flying, they want to follow the rustle of the leaves. The voice. The laugh. They want to follow everything about him and I can't stop. _

_"Getting warmer" He sing songs._

_I'm close. So close. _

_As I come to a stop I peek around one of the trees, only to be greeted by more blackness. I tip toe around the leaves, trying to not make a sound. _

_Hide and seek. Cat and mouse. Hunter and prey. _

_This night is all a game. A game I am so very willing to play. _

_I spin quickly on my heel as I hear a rustle from behind, but before I have a chance to even react I am shoved up against the closest tree, back screaming in protest and a gasp escaping my lips._

_For a second, I am shocked, but it soon gives way to a grin as I feel James' strong hands gripping either side of my jacket, his face mere inches from my own and his body pressed firmly into mine._

_A smirk is playing on his lips and there is a fiery spark behind his hazel eyes. _

_Those fucking hazel eyes will be the death of me I swear._

_"You found me" He whispers, lips ghosting over my own so closely I can taste his breath of my tongue. _

_And I've never tasted something so sweet._

_..._

No!

What?

No!

I want to go back!

Let me go back.

What's happening?

White walls, sun bathing the room, this is not the woods.

I see James in front of me, but his lips are not hovering over mine, his hands aren't gripping at my front and his body is certainly not pressing into my own.

My brain hurts. I can't think. I can't feel. I don't know.

What was that? This has _never _happened before. I was... I was in Ken's head. I was looking through his eyes. I was seeing was he was seeing. And it was real, very real. Not only was I seeing through Ken's eyes, I was feeling his thoughts, his emotions, his everything.

Why did this start? And probably more importantly; why did it stop?

I stare down at my hand, and I can't help but notice James is no longer holding it. Was that it? Was that connection with James what it took to help me understand? To help me see the truth?

I want to know more. I need to know more.

Ken, for the love of all that is holy, _what happened?_

...

No, you can't do this to me. I have to know.

Did you... did James kiss you?

...

Please.

...Nothing.

"Ken!" James shouts, breaking me out of the inner turmoil.

He looks... well above all he looks confused, but also concerned. Like he... like he cares.

"Ken what the hell just happened?"

"I d-don't... I don't know"

"You just completely glazed over... it was fucking weird. I couldn't snap you out of it. What's going on?"

"Did you kiss me last night?" I blurt out quickly without really thinking, letting my emerald eyes lock with hazel.

He looks taken a back, and I don't know if that's because he's appalled by the insinuation of the question or the fact that if I was really _me _and was with him last night I wouldn't have to be asking in the first place.

I wait, patiently, as the question spins through his mind and my heart is caught in my throat.

I bring my fingertips to my lips and they brush ever so lightly over the soft skin. Maybe I could still feel him there...

He opens his mouth to talk, and my breath stops. My heart stops. I stop.

"Ken, don't you –"

"Boys! What are you doing?"

I turn in a heartbeat to see a middle aged, short, blonde woman with a kind face but hard eyes standing in the door way of the therapy room.

And she looks pissed.

But right now I don't care.

I was so close to finding a piece of the puzzle.

"Boys we're waiting on you, come on" The blonde woman snaps, pushing the door wide open to motion us to come.

"Coming Miss Collins" James mumbles, and he makes a move to past me. But he doesn't simply move past, he makes sure to bump my shoulder with his roughly as he does.

What have I done now?

"Come on then" Miss Collins beckons to me once James has disappeared through the door.

I shake my head and try to get a grip on things. But my grip isn't solid; I am trying to cling on to something I don't even know.

I follow Miss Collins through the large white door and my eyes are greeted to a large, simple room, very much continuing with Hathaway's theme of white white white. One wall however nearly completely consists of floor to ceiling glass, looking out onto the Hathaway grounds. The sun is tumbling into the room, lighting up the white in such a way that it's actually rather beautiful. It may be a place to treat crazies, but at least you can be treated and look at nice things whilst they do it. I can see the woods in the distance out the windows and I can't help but feel my heart skip a beat. Those woods... I must know. I manage to rip my eyes away from the stunning view and back to the room. There are about twenty chairs in a circle, and these chairs are filled with people of all different shapes and sizes, race and appearance.

There are thin people, chubby people, blonde people, brunette people, people with red hair, people with black hair, people with tattoos, people with terrible dress sense, people with impeccable dress sense, people who don't give a fuck about their dress sense, people with smiles, people with frowns, people with physical and emotion scars, people who look normal, people who are a cliché, and then there is one particular person my eyes can't help but be drawn to.

A person with brunette hair, a person with impeccable dress sense, a person with hazel eyes, a person who is mysterious, a person who is... a person who is beautiful.

"Please take a seat dear" Miss Collins smiles, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I quickly spy Logan and the last remaining free chair right next to him. He must have saved me a seat... My heart swells at the mere thought.

I slide in next to him and glance sideways to be greeted with a sympathetic smile. I offer him a small smile in return, hopefully trying to convey that I am ok.

I try to ignore James on the other side of the circle; I try to ignore his hateful glare.

I try.

I fail.

"Ok, now that we're all here, let's get started" Miss Collins smiles with a voice so perky it just shouldn't be legal.

"We've got a few new people joining us today, so I think it would be good to get to know their stories a bit better. But before we completely put them on the spot, I think it would be good for everyone to introduce themselves as well"

_I want to punch her in the face._

Ken! Now you decide to come back. What is going on? What was that? Why did I see your memories? What happened?

_Enough with the questions. Kendall, do you think I know? Do you think I've been reading medical textbooks when we switch? Like your pathetic excuse for a roommate?_

Logan!

I look at him quickly, not even paying attention to some blonde girl on the other side of the room talk about her depression.

I catch his eye, and realise there is nothing I can say now, but I am burning with questions for him. If he really studied up on my disorder all night he might know something about this, right?

He gives me a _"What is it?"_ sort of face, but all I can do is mouth, _"Later"_

He shrugs and looks thoroughly confused, but his attention is now back on depressed Barbie.

That's rude.

_I like where your heads at._

Shut up. And I still have questions for you.

"Thank you Jennifer" Miss Collins smiles once the girl has stopped speaking. "Who's next?"

She scans her eyes around the room and I notice both Logan and Camille drop their heads. Stupid. Don't people know that you always get picked if you make it really obvious you don't want to? It's like High School 101.

However Miss Collins seems to be ignoring them for the moment as her ice blue eyes fall on a short Latino boy who is sitting next to James.

James...

Not now.

The boy looks like he would rather be anywhere in the world but here, his arms crossed heavily over his chest and he is leaning so far back in his chair he will nearly be horizontal. But despite this he seems... I don't know. He seems kind and I get the impression he's sweet. He seems, happy. Although happy might be the wrong word, I don't think I've seen anywhere here yet who looks happy.

He's also insanely cute. Which might add to the whole I think he looks kind and sweet thing. His short, raven black hair complements his caramel skin deliciously, and his cute button nose and chocolate eyes give me the impression that his guy might act tough, but beneath it all he's probably the sweetest guy ever.

However, not my type.

Apparently my type is mentally unstable, Adonis looking and confusing as all fuck and I think right now is glaring at me with a scowl.

Great.

"So, Carlos, would you like to share today?"

I nearly jump out of my chair.

Did Miss Collins say Carlos? As in Logan's Carlos?

My eyes dart to the pale brunette by my side and his face says it all. He is definitely doing the whole 'Thinking I won't notice if he not so subtly tries to look at anything but me' thing.

So this is Carlos... interesting.

Now I am practically dying to hear his story.

"Hi everyone" Carlos says with a small smile, but even the small smile flashes his pearly white teeth that light up like the sun.

Oh yeah, I can see why Logan's got it bad.

"Well, as Miss Collins said, I'm Carlos, Carlos Garcia and I've been at Hathaway for nearly six months now" He sits up in his chair and gets ready to tell his story, although I get the impression he has told it a million times before. "I'm just going to skim over a lot of stuff because I don't want to bore anyone"

No. No skimming. I want to know everything.

"I was great in school, had lots of friends, good student, bright future all that crap but then when I was sixteen I fell into the wrong crowd. Clichéd right? I know. But it really is true; when you start hanging out with the wrong people it can damage you, in so many ways. But at the same time I don't know if I can blame them... In the end it all comes down to me and my decisions. I know that. My home life... It wasn't great at the time. I have a big family, eight brothers and sister to be exact and I never felt like I was loved. My parents fed me, clothed me, gave me a bed to sleep in but it wasn't like they truly cared. There were other kids to take care of. These new friends I had, they liked to party and I was soon thrown into that. But at first, the parties were fun. Drinking was sort of a way to not think about my crappy life and of course I could not come home for the night or even come home blindly drunk and my parents didn't even notice. Soon the drinking wasn't just a social thing; soon the drinking became a daily thing. By the time I was seventeen I couldn't tell the difference between being sober and being drunk. I would wake up in gutters and feel like I'd lost whole chunks of time"

Sounds familiar...

"But I didn't care. I liked it. So I think I would have been ok, if it had just been the drinking, I think I could have coped. But no... Soon my 'friends' decided that drinking wasn't enough, if I really wanted to let go and forget about my life the best was to do that was with... Drugs" He bows his head and takes a deep breath before looking back up at Miss Collins. "Can I stop now? I don't feel like talking anymore"

"Sure sweetheart" Miss Collins smiles.

No! Ok look I don't want Carlos to have to go through emotional trauma by bringing up his past but damn it I want to know.

I look at Logan and he looks heartbroken. It feels like Carlos' story might be just as hard on him too. Surely Carlos has to know how Logan feels? It's so obvious how much the short brunette cares for the Latino, it hurts my heart.

The urge to reach out and touch Logan's shoulder or rest a hand on his knee is overwhelming, but I resist. Don't really want to make it too obvious.

Eventually more people start to talk, and it could be minutes or even hours as I sit and listen to other people open up the books of their lives. There really are people of all types here. There's eating disorders, depression, anxiety, but then there's more specific things too, like there's a girl called Lucy, who has hair as black as night but streaked flaming red, who tried to burn down her house whilst her parents were still inside, which to be honest scares the shit out of me. There's also this guy, Dak, who suffers from this thing that is apparently called Cotard Syndrome and he honestly believes he is dead... I can't even explain it but it's fucking creepy as all shit. He doesn't feel like blood flows through his veins and his internal organs don't work and he believes he must be immortal... But I can assure you he's very much alive. And kind of hot too...

No. No I did not just think that about a guy who doesn't even think he is alive.

_I bet you're not feeling so insane now are you Kendall?_

Oh no, as long as you're in my head I'll always feel insane.

"James, would you like to share today?" Miss Collins asked after a girl named Stephanie finishes talking about her need to always burn her skin. Strange.

I stare at James, but he doesn't stare back. We've perfected this game in the last hour, one must always be staring but both can't be staring at the same time.

It's a fun game... Insert sarcasm here.

"No I don't feel like talking today Miss Collins" He snaps as he looks out the window.

Nearly everyone in the room sighs, which gives me the very solid impression that James hardly ever talks in group therapy.

I wanted to hear him talk... I want to get a better understanding of who he is. And I can't get that question out of my mind...

"_Do you feel weird after what I told you?"_

Maybe it's something to do with his disorder and he would share it in therapy... although I highly doubt this. Everything about it screamed "secret".

"How about you dear?"

It takes me a second to realise Miss Collins is actually talking to me, but once I realise my whole body goes rigid.

What do I say? Do I introduce myself as Kendall? Do I tell everyone about Ken and my disorder? No matter what way I look at it I'm going to have to talk about me, and I hate talking about me.

My biggest issue is James, what is he going to say? What is he going to think?

_Forget about him Kendall, just for the minute forget about him and focus on you._

I hate it when you give me advice; it's so uncharacteristic of you.

_I help when I can. _

Well, here goes nothing.

_"We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time"_

* * *

**Me and cliffhangers honestly... **

**I am so excited/anxious to hear how you feel about this chapter.**

***bites nails and stares at review box in anticipation* **


	6. Louder Than Words

**A/N: It's 6:30 in the morning... Oh and this isn't me getting up early... this is me never having gone to bed in the first place. I am tired. There are probably mistakes. I'm sorry. **

**Stuff happened in this chapter that I am not even proud of. I don't know what is happening right now with me a my ships. They're all over the place. And I have never shipper Kogan. Nevervevevrvevr everve never ever nevermv . **

**Kogan doesn't even register as a ship to me.**

**Until now apparently... **

**Bye. **

**Love you.**

**No really, I do.**

* * *

**Chapter Six - Louder Than Words.**

"Hi" I mumble, staring down at my feet and playing with the zip on my jacket. "Well, I guess I should start by introducing myself properly. My name is –"

"Sorry Miss Collins" A loud voice interrupts from the doorway, causing me to swivel in my chair so I can look.

Crap.

"Mr Rocque" Miss Collins says sweetly, "How may we help you?"

"Just need to borrow one of the kids" He smiles, but not a sincere smile, it's too sweet, too big, and too fake.

I turn back around, hoping that maybe by some divine intervention from the universe he just won't notice me. Oh and hey why don't I sink a bit lower in my chair, that always helps.

But not this time.

"Mr Knight" He booms, placing a firm hand on my shoulder.

I think I might be so low in my chair I am inches away from just melting onto the floor.

Which would be so great right now.

"Mr Knight may I steal you? I don't wish to ruin your first, all important group therapy but this simply cannot wait"

I can't find my voice to reply, I can barely find my legs but they manage to muster up enough energy to stand from the chair so I can follow him. I give Logan a fleeting look and his eyes are full of apologies, I wish to tell him it's not in any way his fault. I also decide to let my eyes have one last glance over to James.

Big mistake.

He looks... I can't even place it. Furious? Angry? Sad? Sorry?

I don't know.

_I don't care._

Yes you do.

I manage to tear my eyes away from his and train my focus on Mr Rocques large back. Once we leave the room he doesn't say a single word and I keep waiting, and waiting and waiting until he just turns around and explodes. But he doesn't. Instead we walk in complete and utter silence all the way to his office and I think it's driving me madder than if he were screaming.

Once we make it to the large oak door of doom, which by the way is what it shall now be referred too because I can only assume only bad things lie beyond this door, I feel the nerves fall on me like a tonne of bricks.

I don't know what my punishment would be. Would I be kicked out? Would I put in some sort detention? Solitary confinement? Would I be taken away from Logan? I don't know if I could handle that. I have well and truly made up my mind that Logan is going to be my rock in this place, I can't lose him so early in the game.

"If you'll just take a seat Mr Knight" Mr Rocque smiles, opening the door for me and motioning to the large leather chair I was only sitting in the day prior.

I hear the door shut heavily behind me and Mr Rocque's heavy footsteps creak across the wooden floorboards as I take a seat and await my fate.

* * *

"Kendall!" Logan practically screams, jumping up from his bed and letting his book fly halfway across the room.

A noise, almost like a grunt, escapes my lips as he flings his arms around my middle and almost crushes me with his small frame.

"I missed you too" I chuckle, putting my arms around him in return as he burrows his head into my chest.

It's nice.

And I am ignoring Ken's obscene remarks in my mind right now.

Completely ignoring.

"Sorry" He says quickly, pulling back from me but keeping his arms around my waist. "I just thought you might not even come back"

"I had to come back to say goodbye didn't I..."

His eyes go wide with fear, and in that split second I can see tears beginning to form in the corners. His grasp on me tightens, like I'm a toy in a store he loves and never wants to let go of.

"What? Kendall - oh my god – no – what, no you can't leave me" He stutters.

"Got you" I grin, placing a light mock punch to his cheek and letting my hand linger there for a second to caress the soft, pale skin.

"W-what?"

"I was joking. I'm not saying goodbye"

"Kendall!" He says angrily, but with a wave of relief. "You scared me!"

He buries his head into my chest and I rest my chin on the top of his soft chocolate hair. I hold him like that for a minute or two or maybe three I'm not sure.

"Sorry to scare you" I smile, rubbing circles into his back softly.

"Its fine" he sighs, "just don't do it again!"

"I won't"

"So what happened?" He asks, finally letting go of me and sitting us down on his bed.

"Well it was... Not as bad as I was expecting"

"Oh well that's good?"

"Ah yes and no. But I think it's what that man doesn't say that's the scariest. I think I can handle yelling, but it's when he just stares at you that's the scariest"

"So what'd he say?"

"Well he said he knows James and I left the grounds, which by the way he'll be talking to James too, and that I must think he's an idiot. To which Ken almost made a little appearance and wanted to tell him to shove it, but I reined him in"

Logan's mouth forms a hard line; I can tell he's definitely not comfortable talking about Ken.

"So you got in trouble?"

"I guess?" I shrug, training my gaze to stare out the one small window at the empty view. The sun is shining, trying to brighten up the world, but the clouds are putting up one hell of a fight. They don't want the brightness to hit the earth, especially not this place. Hathaway deserves to be situated on top of a hill, with rusty iron gates and vines that wrap around the building like spiders webs. It needs to be raining, with thunder and there doesn't deserve to be any sun. The sun is not welcome here. This is the place you should read about in horror stories, there shouldn't be stunning flowers and white walls and people so kind it makes your heart hurt.

Not all people though.

This place is so stereotypically wrong. I want to fix it. I don't know why, but I want to make it the place it deserves to be.

"Kendall?" Comes a sweet voice, breaking me out of the day dreams of rain thrashing against the fragile glass.

I look back to Logan, his chocolate eyes full of concern. What did I do now?

"Hmm?"

"Stop being away with the fairies and answer my questions. What happened with Mr Rocque?"

"Oh. Nothing too exciting. My family isn't allowed to visit this weekend and I have 'a strike' or whatever that is"

No words come out of his mouth but his lips form a perfect 'O' as he understand. Clearly understands better than me.

"Sucks about your family" He says in a small voice and a sad smile, placing his hand on my knee gently.

"Yeah whatever" I mumble, picking his hand up in mine and playing with his light fingers. They feel magnificent beneath my touch, I want to touch his hands for hours, finding every line, every scar, everything. Is that weird?

_Yes. This place is making you gayer and gayer by the minute. _

Says the one who kissed James in the woods.

...

Silence, I see how it is.

Which reminds me.

"Logan" I say abruptly, drawing his attention away from our joined hands, but now I find my attention drawn to the light blush that paints his pale cheeks and the way his teeth bite down on his bottom lip.

I wonder what that would feel like... To bite Logan's bottom lip...

Would it be soft? Would it be slightly chapped from the harsh wind? Would it taste like berries? Or the mint from his toothpaste? Or perhaps sunshine, and warmth and happiness all rolled into one blissful taste?

Focus.

"Logan, something happened when I was talking to James out in the hall..."

"James!" He says quickly, like his brain has snapped back in to gear. "I completely forgot! How was it? What happened? Did you find out what you did last night?"

His grip tightens on my hand as his voice begins to rise and the anxiety grows.

"Hush, don't get so worked up" I smile, brushing his cheek with the back of my hand.

"Sorry" He says softly, that same blush returning. "But what happened?"

"Well it was really... awkward I guess. Because he thought I was Ken and I didn't know what to say because I knew he wouldn't understand if I told him about who I actually was... But this is what I wanted to ask you. I turned to go and he grabbed my hand and in that moment, everything faded away into nothing. I wasn't in my own body..."

"You become Ken?"

"No it was something different... I can't even explain it. It felt like a dream, but a dream that was so real, like I was actually there. I was in my body, looking through my own eyes but I was Ken, and it was last night... in the woods. Every sound, every breath, every thought was his but I was experiencing it. And James and I were playing hide and seek or something and in the darkness he pushed me up against a tree and leaned into me so we were only inches apart...

"Did he kiss you?" Logan whispers, leaning in to me like he is about to hear the biggest secret in the world.

"I don't know, that's the problem. He let go of my hand in the real world and I snapped out of it. But this is what I wanted to ask you, this has never happened before, like never ever. Sometimes if I go somewhere that I haven't been before but Ken has I'll get this like feeling or something, like déjà vu or something? But this was physically being inside his mind, and seeing his memories. Did you read anything about this in that big book of yours?"

Logan takes a moment to think the question over, his brow furrowing in a way that can only be described as insanely cute.

"I read something... similar. It's been shown that sometimes, in rare case studies, that certain moments or certain events can help trigger memories from an alter. But it's really rare. I guess the whole condition is rare... but still. There was this woman, in Pennsylvania, and she obviously couldn't remember any of the times she switched and unlike you she couldn't even hear her alter in her mind or anything but there was this man and whenever she touched this one man she would get a rush of memories and feelings and it was like what ever happened all came back to her... Anyway it soon become apparent that her alter and this man were in a relationship, but she didn't even know who he was"

"Wow..." Is all I can mutter, letting my head spin with all this information.

"But that doesn't really help... I guess what I mean is that this condition isn't regular and consistent in everyone who suffers from it, it's different for everyone. So what happened to you isn't completely..."

"Insane?"

"I was going to say out of the ordinary, but if insane works for you we'll go with that" Logan smiles, letting his thumb stroke over my knuckles.

"Kendall are you gay?"

... Sorry?

The question sort of takes me by surprise. I'm not exactly shocked by it, or alarmed or offended or anything like that, but even if he had of asked 'Kendall do you like carrots?' in the same rushed, anxious voice then I would probably be just as surprised.

"Oh" I say softly, looking over to the wall as I think of how to formulate my answer.

_Yes._

It's hard to answer because I guess I've never asked it of myself.

_Yes._

I mean I guess I can't deny my attraction to James.

_Yes._

And I've never been one to think love should be tied down to one specific gender.

_Yes._

This isn't just as easy as a yes or a no Ken. And besides, what about you?

...

Of course.

"I'm sorry - I shouldn't have - I'm sorry that was, I shouldn't have said that" Logan mumbles, trying to take his hand from mine and there's that damn biting of the bottom lip again.

Maybe just once... Just to know what it's like...

I lean forward, quickly but gently, and capture his lips in mine. At first I think he is a bit taken aback, but this soon gives way to an undeniable passion he has been holding inside. I let a hand reach to cup his cheek and pull him into me, closer and closer until we are almost one, his hand twining through my blonde locks roughly.

I kiss the corner of his lips and then his jaw, a small moan being emitted from his lips. And last, but certainly not least, I place a kiss to his still slightly parted lips and then let my teeth snag themselves on his soft, pink, lower lip.

He tastes like berries. I can taste them on his lips as if the delicious fruit was there only minutes ago. But it's not just berries, its sunshine and warmth and happiness, a happiness I haven't felt in a long time.

"In answer to your question, I'm going to go with a yes" I smirk, pulling back from him and watching him try and piece his mind back together. It's adorable. He's caught halfway between flustered, shocked, and... well unless my eyes deceive me I would say Logan Mitchell is a little turned on right now.

"Wow" Is all he can breathe, running a shaky hand through his brunette hair. "Um, well that's certainly a way to answer the question"

"Actions speak louder than words, right?"

"Right... so yes, the answer is, yes to being gay?" He stutters.

"Yes" I chuckle, "Wow"

"What is it?"

"It just sort of hit me that I'm gay. Like I've never even thought about it before. I guess there was just no one who caught my eye to make me think about it"

His hand squeezes mine tightly and if I wasn't such an idiot I would notice the sudden shinning in his chocolate eyes, but I had to keep talking didn't I?

"Yeah when I saw James I guess I just knew, you know?"

His eyes drop from mine, and I suddenly get the overwhelming feeling that I've just kicked a puppy.

_Well, I think this deserves a round of applause. Three cheers for Kendall Knight. For he's a jolly good fellow!_

"Shut up!"

Crap. Out loud. Yelling at Logan. Not good.

"Logan – sorry – Ken, ugh"

"It's fine" He says with a smile, but the smile is so fucking sad.

"Are you ok Logan?"

"Um, yeah, I... yeah" He mumbles, releasing our hands after they've been holding each other for what feels like an eternity, and stands from the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"Um, just – I need to go talk to Camille"

"Oh ok." I jump up, but I don't know what for. To help him to the door that's like two feet away? Say something? What?

I act on impulse. I come up from behind him and wrap my arms around his waist, ducking my head so I can rest my chin on his shoulder.

"You taste like berries" I whisper into his ear, feeling the shiver run down his spine.

"T-there were berries at breakfast"

"Mm thought so" I murmur, placing a kiss to his neck. "I'm sorry"

"What for?" He responds quietly as he wraps his arms around mine, pulling me in closer.

"For being rude. And for the record, it wasn't just James who awoke what was inside me all along"

"This is so strange..."

"What is?"

"I haven't even known you 24 hours..."

"But I'm super irresistible right?"

"Right" He chuckles softly, resting his head against mine.

"And you are super cute"

"What about James? He's like the polar opposite to me. He's dangerous, mysterious, rough... sexy"

"Mmm, sounds more like Ken's type. I usually go for cute" I place feather light kisses across his jaw and neck before I quickly add "And you're sexy too"

"Really?"

I spin him around in the blink of an eye so that he is now facing me, but not letting go of his waist.

"Really really" I smile, pushing him gently back against the wall and kissing him again quickly.

His hands snake around my neck, pulling me into him tightly. As the kiss deepens, so does my desire. I push him upwards against the wall and he moves effortlessly beneath my touch.

"Kendall" He gasps against my lips as his toes lift off the ground and he can't help but instinctively wrap his legs around my waist.

I grin against his lips but don't stop the kiss as I move away from the wall, tightening my hold of his back holding him close to me. He's so light, like a feather. Or maybe a flower is a more appropriate analogy, because not only are flowers light they are also breathtakingly beautiful.

We fall backwards onto the bed, his bed or mine, I don't really care, and we both smile into the kiss as I hover above his small frame. I don't know why, but I want this. And I realise I've never wanted something so badly in my whole life. But I don't know how far he is willing to go. I let my light hands play with the hem of his shirt before I slid them up under the material, feeling his warm skin, skin so soft it should be illegal.

"Take it off" He breathes with a smile and I know my super sneaky plan of testing him has been foiled.

But I comply without hesitation. I pull his shirt quickly over his head and take a second to let my eyes rake hungrily over his torso. His hands move to do the same with my jacket and I don't complain, letting the useful thing get tossed across the room. But when he reaches for my shirt, I freeze.

"Logan wait" I whisper against his lips, putting my hands on his.

"What is it?" He asks gently, looking up at me with chocolate eyes so sincere my heart begins to melt.

How do I even begin to put this into words? How do I even begin to explain this in a way that won't completely turn him off?

"Logan I... Crap"

"You're anxious about me seeing your body aren't you?"

"W-what – how did you?"

"It's ok Kendall" He smiles, placing a hand on my cheek lightly. "I think you're beautiful"

I kiss him again, feeling like I will cry if I don't. I let his gentle hands pull my shirt over my head and try not to blush when his eyes look me up and down.

"See? Beautiful" He smiles again.

"Why are you so cute?" I ask against his lips before I possess them with my own.

"Because" He breathes, "You – ngh" One part of me wants to hear what he has to say, but the other part is more concerned with attacking his lips right now, so much so that speaking is just not a possibility.

"Because" He tries again, "You bring out the best in me. And if that's being cute, then so be it"

"See? Fucking cute"

He chuckles against my lips and the feeling sends shivers through my whole body. I need him. I need him now.

"Oh Kendall" He moans, hands grasping my hair again, he must love my hair, as I rock my hips down on his.

"Logan... Logan do you... I don't know if..." I try mumble against his neck where my lips have now found themselves.

His legs tighten their grasp on my waist and he lifts himself up until his lips are hovering over my ear and I can feel his breath on my skin. "I want you Kendall, I need you"

That's all I wanted to hear. All I needed to hear.

_Well, this has gone on way too long... _

"No!" I gasp suddenly, looking down at Logan in shock.

"What? Kendall what is it?" He says frantically, running his fingers through my hair soothingly.

_See you later Kendall..._

"Logan" I say quickly, kissing him one last time roughly, "I'm so sorry"

"Sorry for what? I don't understand? Kendall?"

And then it all goes black.

Hi Ken.


	7. Who Are You?

**A/N: Wow! Where have I been? **

**STUCK IN JARLOS LAND. I literally couldn't even comprehend writing Kames in this state.**

**Can I have a quick fangirl? So... Jarlos is real. It's real. IT'S REAL. Don't tell me otherwise. Don't know if anyone has seen the Virgin Radio interview from the other day... nsfkjnsfkjn. I didn't even notice until someone giffed it on tumblr... OH GOD. Ok, shh Sophie, keep it in. So they're just sitting there, being all chill, James is holding the mic out to Kendall who is talking so your attention is on him, and then Carlos AND THEN CARLOS, fucking looks to James, AND AND AND sneakily strokes his finger up and down James' hand and as he does it WITH THIS LITTLE FUCKING SMIRK ON HIS FACE. AND THEN JAMES OBVIOUSLY NOTICES AND AND AND LOOKS AT CARLOS AND FUCKING EYE FUCKS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM, WITH A LITTLE WIGGLE OF HIS EYEBROWS AND THEY BOTH SMIRK AND GRIN AND THEN BOTH LOOK BACK TO KENDALL. IT'S LDFN DFF FUCK NO. SGNSD**

**Like I'm not even kidding, don't get me wrong, I love Kames, but I feel like I have to love Jarlos now BECAUSE IT'S REAL. And I promise you I'm not turning nothing into something, IT IS SO BLATANT. CARLOS GOES OUT OF HIS WAY TO - no. Stop. I get so worked up. GO TO MY BLOG. "kissmebtr" is my URL. sdfnsfn AHHH. *screams* They're fucking. There is actually no doubt in my mind. I don't know about any emotional involvement, but there is definitely sex going on on the Jarlos bus. **

**Alright, we done?**

**No. I will never be done. **

**More notes at the bottom. **

**Much love!**

* * *

**Chapter Seven - Who Are You? **

"Kendall? Kendall are you ok?"

The voice snaps me out. That, and shaky hands running soothingly across my cheeks and through my hair.

I look down at his face, his scared, pale, pathetic face and I suppress the urge to scowl. The fact that he has me on top of him, shirtless and... Oh Jesus Christ Kendall... _hard_... I sort of want to punch him.

But I have a better idea.

"Kendall are you ok?" He asks for about the thousandth time.

"What? Oh yeah sorry" I say quickly, putting on my best Kendall voice. Which really isn't hard, just act like a pussy and that's about it.

"I thought you were going to switch" he says with a sigh of relief, brushing my cheek lightly with his hand. God, I really want to punch him.

"Yeah I thought I was too. Lucky!" I grin.

He smiles back at me and leans up to I assume join our lips together once again, but I bow my head in a clear show of rejection. I sit up off him and onto the edge of the bed, grabbing my shirt as I do so.

"Kendall what's wrong?" Logan asks softly, sitting up behind me and wrapping his arms around my chest.

"Nothing"

I shrug his arms off me, and I don't even need to be looking at his face to know he's probably hurt as all hell.

"Kendall -"

"Look Logan" I interrupt, turning my body to face him. "I think what we were about to do would have been a huge mistake"

I give him a moment to adjust to what I just said as hurt, shock and... I don't know, flash across his face. To be honest I don't really care, but if I'm supposed to be making this whole "Kendall" thing believable then I can't go be a fucking asshole straight off the bat.

"I think you know I'm right... I mean, I don't even know you. What do I know? Your name is Logan Mitchell and you have a crap tonne of shit wrong with you... You think you're in love with some alcoholic dead beat that doesn't even know your name and probably never will and now apparently you like me. Oh which I think I actually get, you like the feeling of security... It's like you said to me yesterday, wanting to find something in your life that's stable and not floating away. Jett told me about your last roommate, Dylan was it?"

His eyes go wide and his body rigid at the mention of the ex roommates name, "Y-yes"

"I don't know his story or what sort of relationship you two had, but I know you've been alone for awhile. And having me here suddenly makes you feel safe. But you don't really like me Logan; you like the idea of having me around and someone actually showing interest you. Kissing me is probably the most action you've ever had right?"

"K-Kendall what are you –"

"Here's the bottom line Logan, I don't like you. I have no interest in you and I never will. What happened was a lapse in judgement, probably my stupid brain trying to be kind or something because ultimately, I pity you Logan. And I mean this in the nicest way possible but you're kind of fucking pathetic"

Ok so maybe that last part isn't really in Kendall's nature, but I don't think he's noticing such finer details at this point. If someone were to ask me, "Hey, what does someone look like when they want to kill themselves?" I would give them a picture of Logan right now...

"No" He says finally, gaining some sort of confidence. But not much.

No what?

"I don't believe that. Ken has said something... or done something... I know he has. This isn't you." He reaches out to cup my chin in his hand but I catch his wrist before he can, and squeeze tightly.

"Have you not been listening? You don't even fucking know me" I growl, watching the fear grow in those deep chocolate eyes.

"I k-know you're better than this" He stammers, "I know you care about me, I feel like it's in your nature to care. We might not know each other very well but don't you dare look me in the eye and say that you don't feel something towards me"

"Logan" I growl, staring him straight in the eye, "I don't feel anything towards you"

"What? Because of James?" He retorts angrily.

"Why do you give a fuck about James? Don't bring him into this"

"You're such a hypocrite! You say you don't even know me but I'd say that you know me more than you know him! And you can't even use the defence of Ken knows him because I know it's not the same for you"

"James is everything you're not, and everything someone would want in a person. He's strong, confident, and not ashamed to speak his mind, independent, oh and he's fucking sexy as all hell, something you certainly are not"

"This isn't you. I know it's not"

"Stop it!" I yell, shoving him backwards into the wall, "Stop trying to fucking pretend that you know me!"

"But I do know you Kendall! I think I've learned more about you and shown more interest in you than most people have your whole life!"

"Just because you read a big fancy book it doesn't make you God of the universe. No one knows me"

"Fuck off then, leave, switch rooms, I don't give a fuck"

I have to give him some credit; at least he's fighting back. But hey, I fight harder.

"I might have to; if I stay here I'll probably end up killing myself like Dylan"

Ah there we go. Dylan is definitely Logan's kryptonite.

"Don't... don't talk about Dylan" He says quietly, moving off the bed to pick his shirt up off the ground. He throws it over his head and moves to the window, leaning up against the ledge and staring blank ahead.

"Why? Who was he? What did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything" He almost growls under his breath. "What happened with Dylan was a tragedy and there was nothing I could do to stop it. There was nothing anyone could do. But he was a good person... And I miss him"

"Sure you do. Miss him long enough until the next person comes along"

He spins angrily to glare at me; I am assuming it's supposed to be threatening...

"Don't be so fucking insensitive, of course I'm going to miss him, and of course it's going to get better when I meet someone new... Someone who I thought actually liked me for me, and someone I liked back..."

"What about this Garcia kid though?" I ask, slightly changing the subject and watching the emotion shift on his face. I can't keep up; happy, sad, angry, hurt, sad, angry, confused... he just needs to pick one emotion and stick with it.

"What about Carlos?" He responds shyly, leaning back on the ledge and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well you're in love with him... Why are you so interested in me? And I guess I have to find myself wondering why you even like him in the first place when you don't even know him?"

He looks off to the side of the room aimlessly and sighs softly, "I don't know. I just see something in him... I see more than the guy who sold his body for drugs..."

Wow.

"No shit... really?"

"Yes... he's only spoken about it once or twice in group therapy... but it's not just that. He's story is... wow has he got a story. But it's just small things like that, that I can look past. I see the good in him, the truth in him... He makes me smile and forget my own troubles if only for a second"

"But why him? Surely there's plenty of head cases around here that you can see the good in, so why Carlos?"

"I don't know ok? He's just... different. I want to know him. I want to heal the pain behind those eyes"

"Yeah well I hate to break it to you but he seems pretty fucked beyond repair"

"Don't say that... there's hope for everyone. You never give up on anyone"

"Except Dylan"

"I didn't give up on Dylan. Dylan gave up on himself"

"I almost gave up once... what put me in here actually"

Logan stares at me for a moment, mouth opening slightly in shock. "Really? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because as I've told you about a fucking million times, you don't know anything about me. But yes, I wanted it all to stop. And I would have gotten it done with too if it weren't for his... my sister Katie"

Shit. Almost slipped up. But that's not even the biggest problem right now... the biggest problem is that I'm sitting here, actually having an honest conversation with Logan and I find the urge to bare my soul to him.

Ok well that's not entirely true...

"You have a sister?"

"Yes. She's 12. She found me in the bathtub with blood everywhere and my wrists in the water. I was so close..."

"Is that what sent you here?"

"My Mum thought it was the only way to protect me from myself... or as how I see it, the only way for her not to worry about me anymore"

"You know Kendall" He says, moving over to the bed to sit next to me once more, "I think this is where you need to be. You don't deserve to die"

"Yes I do. Things would be so much easier if I were dead"

"But that's giving up. And you can't give up"

"It's not so much giving up, it's... it's giving in"

"Which is just as bad. You have to fight"

"Don't tell me I don't fight" I snap abruptly, "I have fought so hard for so damn long that I've forgotten what's like to just have my mind at ease"

I have to admit I am stealing Kendall's mind slightly... He's the fighter, not me.

"Kendall can I ask you something?"

No.

"What?"

"What happened to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"The thing is... D.I.D and split personality... it doesn't just come out of nowhere, it happens for a reason"

Oh, we are _so _not going there Mitchell. We are not even touching that with a ten foot pole. "We're done here"

I stand up swiftly, but before I can make a move to leave Logan grabs me by the wrist and I can't help but look down at him.

"Please Kendall, let me in"

I shove his hand off mine and choose not to respond, instead turning on my heel in haste to storm off. But before I can even reach the door he's up again and has a hand on my shoulder, effectively stopping me.

"Kendall, I want to help you... I want to love you, if you'll let me" He whispers so close to my ear.

And that's when I snap.

In the blink of an eye I turn, grabbing two fist full's of his shirt in my grasp and shoving him almost too roughly into the wall. He stares at me in shock and I don't even think he can breathe. He's so scared and I feel the excitement, the feel of total power and control consume me.

"I will never let you love me and I will never love you in return. Get that in your head, I. Will. Never. Love. You."

He bites his bottom lip nervously and I know there are tears begging to be released from those big brown eyes. I also know Kendall seemed to have a huge thing for the biting of the bottom lip... and standing here now, looking at his glistening chocolate eyes that are so hurt, so broken... and those perfect straight teeth sink into the soft pink lip... I can honestly say...

Logan Mitchell is still fucking pathetic.

"Whatever. I'm gone"

I give him one last shove into the wall and watch his eyes stare at me with fear. I know I'm not being very convincing with this whole Kendall thing, but he seems to be eating out of the palm of my hand so I'll go with it. Of course there's that overwhelming urge to smash his head into the wall but knowing him he would be forgiving Kendall in about two seconds so maybe this way is better, maybe this way I can wear down that strong trust he's built up. I think he needs to learn that Kendall's not some superhero that's just here to whisk him off his feet. And this doesn't even include me acting like a dick on Kendall's behalf... I don't know if I'm saying this with like, a good heart or something, but Logan would be wise to keep his distance... In a way, I'm helping him.

... Weird.

Without even giving one more glance at his pitiable face I leave the room, slamming the door as I go and as I storm down the corridor realising that I don't actually know where I'm going.

Oh who am I kidding, I know exactly where I'm going.

And surprisingly, I know how to get there. Or maybe not so surprising, considering he told me which room he was in last night.

I find myself on the second floor, standing outside room 21 and my fist hovers over the hardwood door. To knock or not to knock, that is the question...

Ultimately, I don't have to make a decision, as the door flies open and someone almost runs straight into me.

"Fuck, sorry" A rough voice mumbles, straightening the Obey snapback on top of his head.

Hmm, interesting.

"What is it?" I hear another voice call from inside the room, one which the boy at the door is quick to respond to.

"Ahh, just someone here to see you I think?"

All I do is nod and cross my arms over my chest, staring at the boy up and down.

Very interesting...

"Ok. Well, let them in obviously, and I'll see you later yeah?"

The boy leans around the door so I can't see his face but I can practically hear the huge smile on his lips, "Of course"

He turns back around and looks me up and down quickly before giving a nod goodbye and walking off down the corridor.

"Miss me?" I say with a grin as I walk into his room, to find him spread out across his bed so casually. Surely his long legs should look awkward; surely he shouldn't be lying there flawlessly rested on his elbow and sinking his teeth into an apple that looks far too sweet and crunchy for its own good. His only wearing jeans and a loose fitting faded grey singlet and fuck... he looks...

No.

I swear he wasn't dressed like that an hour ago. There was more clothing, I'm sure of it.

He raises a perfectly arched eyebrow at me as he crunches down into his apple and doesn't say a word. It's only slightly unnerving.

"So, Rocque bitched me out" I say conversationally, sitting on the empty bed opposite his. Although despite the other bed I get the impression he's the only one in this room, either that or he's living with someone who doesn't own any possessions.

When he doesn't respond and continues to eat that damn apple I keep talking, "Yeah it was crap. And all your fault too. So you better get some shit"

Ok am I invisible or something?

"So... Carlos hey?" I say casually, but actually dying to know what Logan's crush was doing in his room, I didn't even know they were friends. "What was he –"

"Ken what are you doing here?" He asks, finally speaking to me.

He seems calm, which is... good?

"What do you mean? I thought I was invited over at any time?"

"Yeah that was before you were the biggest retard this morning" He scoffs, giving me an over the top eye roll. "You acted like you didn't even know who I was... You weren't you... but now you're you again and it's tripping me out. So make up your mind"

Oh, he does not know how much I wish I could just 'make up my mind', if only it were that simple.

"Well..." I say slowly, standing off the bed and moving towards his, "I've made my mind up about some things..." I lean forward onto the bed on my knees and place my hands on either side of his head, forcing him to lie backwards.

"And yeah, what would they be?" He grins up at me, throwing his apple across the room in the general direction of the rubbish bin, his hands then moving to play with the hem of my t-shirt.

"Hmm well..."

* * *

**Ta da... I actually have more but I decided to cut it off here. Ken's sentence isn't even finished in the proper version. Which we shall be going straight into in the next chapter, as well as answering a lot of questions cause I know most of you will be like "WHAT DID THEY FUCKING DO IN THE WOODS?!" **

**What else... I love Logan. I had to give Carlos his Obey snapback... **

**Oh and remember: Jarlos is real. Obviously I will always love Kames but it's just undeniable.. so... **

**GOD, why do you put up with me? :) **


	8. It Makes Things Harder

**A/N: Here is a new chapter for you all :) **

**A few things. We are jumping forward in time, six weeks to be exact, and joining Kendall in one of his therapy appointments. But you know how the last chapter ended on a big of a cliffie? Well that still gets continued... You'll see. **

**As far as therapy goes, I actually see someone due to my craziness so I'm sorry Dr. Washington... I am making you Kelly Wainwright. But obviously it's a bit different because I'm not being treated for dissociative identity disorder... Oh and my Mum's a psychiatrist so I have been subtly asking her questions about different things and she's usually like "Sophie... no. I am not fuelling your insanity" ... thanks Mum. **

**Hmmm anything else? The song "The Heart of Life" by John Mayer is just... ahh. It's great. It's lyrics were required. **

**Ooh I've got a new story! "Sweet Disposition" Go check it out. It's RPS, and about Logan wanting to fuck all the guys... together... on the tour bus... **

**:)**

* * *

**Chapter Eight - It Makes Things Harder.**

"Kendall? Did you hear the question?"

Her voice is soothing, calming and everything you would want in a voice if you were a therapist. Or so I figure. And her looks help too. She's actually rather beautiful, with long raven hair pulled tightly into a bun on top her head, a pair of shinning brown eyes and dark chocolaty skin that looks smooth enough to trace your fingers along every inch.

But a 30 something year old woman who is also my therapist? Yeah not my type.

I like her though. She's somehow managed to gain a fraction of my trust in this short amount of time we've had together. In a way I sort of look forward to our sessions... _sort of. _I don't look forward to the way she makes me talk about me and my feelings and my past and Ken and other shit things, but it's kind of nice to just get a way and talk. Seeing as no one talks to me, especially not Logan.

It's been six weeks since I first walked through the doors of Hathaway. Six weeks since I made a new friend, someone who was potentially more than a friend but I shot that dream to hell in less than 48 hours.

You're probably wondering how, and why... well that's a great question, and if you figure it out will you let me know?

I've been replaying that afternoon in my head over and over and I just can't come to any conclusions except for one; Ken.

The last thing I remember was having Logan beneath me, kissing me softly and sweetly and slowly beginning to piece back together my damaged soul... and then I switched. And after that I don't know. I do know I came back to me whilst I was sitting in the lounge room eating a bag of chips and watching reruns of _Friends. _And that's probably the worst... at least when I woke up the same morning in the woods with James I knew something had happened, and it was a tiny piece to the fucking confusing puzzle, but when I wake up just doing something so casual and normal? Well that's when I worry.

"Kendall?"

"Oh sorry Kelly" I mutter lazily, picking and playing with the blanket across my lap.

I don't know why she has a blanket in her office. It fucks me off. In fact it's probably up there with wanting to know what I actually do most of the time in the terms of inquisitive train of thought. I mean I guess Minnesota is pretty cold... and maybe it's a comfort thing? I keep telling myself that one session I'm going to wrap myself up in it and just bring a mug of cocoa in or something... Which is actually what some people probably do.

"Are you going to answer my question or are you just going to pick that piece of crap to shreds?"

I like Kelly. She doesn't take any of my shit. I feel like she probably doesn't take anyone's shit.

"Right, what was the question?" I sigh, looking up from my lap and looking straight into her dark brown eyes.

"How's the control going?"

"Oh, good actually" I say with more interest, nodding my head slowly.

"Tell me how it feels?"

Hmm... how it feels...

Kelly has been working with me to control Ken, not control him when he's in charge because that's useless, but control him in the way that I don't constantly have him in my 24/7. For the most part it's actually been going... ok? I guess its ok. But I can still _feel _him there. Even when I block him out I know he's still there, kicking and thrashing and beating against his mental cage.

"It feels good to have my mind a bit clearer... but I still know he's there. And I can't block him out completely, he's far too stubborn for that"

"Hmm... I see" She muses thoughtfully, leaning forward in her chair to rest her chin in her hands. "What do you do when he comes back in?"

"Just let him" I shrug, "Keeping him out can get really hard"

"I can imagine... Sort of like having a permanent headache?"

"Yeah but he causes headaches anyway so it's a lose/lose situation"

A small smile plays on her lips before she continues, "What about the reverse? What about getting inside his head? Remember his thoughts and actions?"

"That's impossible" I mumble, leaning back in my large sofa chair and staring out the window but not really paying attention to the tree's blowing in the wind, or the sun shining high in the sky.

"You also said blocking him out for periods at a time would be impossible too" She challenges.

Damn her and her logic.

"Alright, I want to try something" She says quickly, rolling her desk chair forward so she is sitting directly in front of me. "Take my hands"

I hesitantly place my hands in her awaiting ones and feel the need to recoil when she grasps tightly.

"Close your eyes" She instructs and I instantly do what I'm told. "Now, I want you to let Ken in"

I don't question her command, instead I release that tight, tight band I've been keeping around my mind and feeling myself audibly exhale a breath I didn't even know I had been holding.

_I'm getting real tired of this blocking me out shit Kendall._

"Is he back?" Kelly asks calmly, giving my hands a tight squeeze of assurance.

I only nod, keeping my eyes closed tight and letting Ken's voice fill my mind.

"Right Kendall I want you to do something for me. You said that you switched not too long after you even got here and it's still eating you up inside on what happened yes?"

"Mmm" I mumble.

"And you've switched many times since then though am I correct?"

"Mm"

"But this time is the most crucial to you so far because of how it affected things with your relationship with Logan?"

"...Mm?" I mumbled a bit slower this time, trying to figure out where she's going with this.

"I want you to walk me through exactly what happened right before you switched, what happened before that switch that caused Logan to not utter a single word to you since that day"

Why was she doing this? Making me depressed isn't exactly going to help. "Why do you –"

"Just do it Kendall, please"

"Fine" I sigh loudly, "I had come back from a meeting with Mr Rocque for getting in trouble for leaving the house after nightfall and going into the woods with James... James Diamond"

"Yes I know who James is Kendall" She says, and even with my eyes closed I know she's smiling. "but continue"

"So I came back to our room, and he's super sweet with me and really worried and concerned with what happened with Mr Rocque, and I just... I can't handle it when he worries; it's too much for my heart. And I know that even though he doesn't talk to me he still worries, like if I show up to our room after a switch and I've been gone all night he's eyes will widen and quickly look me up and down for any signs of damage and he looks so heartbroken and then that will go and he will just go back to ignoring me and I can't do it and I hate it and I don't know Kelly and –"

"Kendall, stop stop" She says abruptly, holding my hands tightly and trying to calm me down. "Don't think too much about all that just yet, let's just focus on what happened beforehand"

"Right, focus" I say with as much confidence as possible. Which is hard because all I want to do now is go crawl into a hole and wallow in self pity about Logan.

But focus.

"So we were talking about how I got in trouble, and I was asking him about the disorder and different effects of it, cause it was that morning the thing happened with James, you know the thing I told you about being able to see into his mind?"

"Yes, I remember"

"So we were talking about that and then suddenly asked me if I were gay, which was a bit out of the blue but I wasn't too shocked or offended or anything, and instead of answering straight away I kissed him... and the kiss was amazing and wonderful and incredible and hot and I just love hi – no. Stopping that train of thought. So then I told him I was and said how I hadn't realised till coming to Hathaway and then I made him all sad because I said how it was James who made me realise and he thought I meant him and yeah... Do I have to continue?"

"Yes"

"Ugh, fine" I groan, "So basically I told him I was sorry for being a jerk and I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his neck, and his chin and anywhere my lips would reach... And then I told him he was really cute and I liked him a lot and we kissed again and it got heated pretty fast and it ended up on the bed and... well I was anxious to take my top off but he told me that I was beautiful and I shouldn't have to be ashamed and ugh... he's so perfect. Anyway it was heading in one direction, and I really wanted it to go in that direction and so did he and it was going to be great and then... well then Ken came and that's when it all goes black. Next thing I know I'm watching _Friends_ and when I go back to the room Logan tells me to stay out of his life and even though we were roommates he didn't want anything to do with me anymore and that was it..."

I feel that familiar lump beginning to grow in my throat, that all too familiar feeling I've become accustomed to in the last six weeks. The same feeling I get every time I have to look at Logan. The same feeling I get when I lay across from him in bed nearly every night and watch him sleep peacefully and sometimes... sometimes letting a few tears escape silently and resisting the urge to climb into his bed and kiss him until all the pain goes away.

I need him.

"Kendall" Kelly soothes, and it's only then I realise I have actually let a few of those tears fall.

"Sorry" I mutter, wishing she would release my hands so I could wipe my cheeks.

"Don't be sorry. Use this as motivation. I think we've discovered raw emotions help you the best when it comes to the control of this disease. Because Kendall ultimately what we're trying to achieve is that you must the one to control this, you can't let it control you"

"I know I know" I stutter out, trying to get a grip.

"Now Kendall I want you to try and focus really hard. I want you to clear your head except for three things: How you feel about Logan and what happened before you switched, James and everything that's happened with him and how you felt when you 'awoke' in the lounge watching TV. Ok? Those three emotions and I want you to concentrate really hard"

I start to focus on those three things, those three destructive things that are really not a good idea to be thinking about all at once, and she continues to talk.

"How does Logan make you feel? How does it feel to have him look at you with hatred but at the same time with so much pain? What could Ken have done to him in such a short amount of time to turn him against you? And what about James? You're fairly certain now that Ken and James sleep together on a regular basis, in fact every time you switch. How does that make you feel? How does it feel to wake up and know your body has been used for sex? Sex that you aren't even a participant in? And now that he knows about your condition, how does it feel to know that he doesn't want you? He wants Ken. He doesn't want anything to do with Kendall, he just waits for Ken?"

"K-Kelly" I try to choke out, "W-what are you –"

"No Kendall. Focus. This is all helping. Think about what it would feel like for James to touch you, for him... for him to be inside of you. How does that make you feel? James' strong hands on your body, holding you, owning you, possessing you, capturing you... you completely his and him completely yours. How would that feel? Him whispering your name hotly into your ear as he –"

_..._

_"Well..." I say slowly, standing off the bed and moving towards his, "I've made my mind up about some things..." I lean forward onto the bed on my knees and place my hands on either side of his head, forcing him to lie backwards. _

_"And yeah, what would they be?" He grins up at me, throwing his apple across the room in the general direction of the rubbish bin, his hands then moving to play with the hem of my t-shirt. _

_"Hmm well, I had lots of fun last night, it was certainly... new." I dip my head and let my lips ghost the line of his jaw but without actually touching the stubbled skin. _

_He shivers at the touch, which isn't actually a touch, and I feel his hands grasp tighter on my shirt. "New but fun?"_

_"Yes, new but fun" I grin, against his neck, letting my lips press ever so lightly onto his pulse point. _

_"So fun that you would want to do it again?" He breathes, hands moving to grasp at my hips and forcing me to hook a leg over his waist so that I am now straddling him. _

_"Hmm..." I ponder with a smirk, watching his eyes grow dark in a mixture of lust and potential annoyance. "Maybe..."_

_"Don't fuck with me Knight" He growls, grabbing my back and using his strength, which is ten times more measurable that my own, to flip us over. Instinctively my hands have found their way to his neck to hold him tightly and his hips grind down into me. _

_"I won't fuck with you, if you fuck me?" I bite down on my lip, reminding me of a certain short brunette, but it seemed to drive Kendall crazy so... _

_And apparently James too. He looks at me hungrily and almost a small growl escaping his lips before smashing our lips together so hard, so fast and so rough I almost have the wind knocked out of me. _

_Lips, teeth and tongues smash together angrily as hands tangle and grasp at soft hair. Clothes can't be taken off fast enough, they are merely annoying pieces of material that are only getting in the way. Everything about this is aggressive, fast and full of so much tension it lays thick in the air. Two alpha males, fighting for position of top dog, but in the end there can only be one winner. In the end, someone must always be in control. _

_"You better fucking use lube this time" I gasp into his mouth as his hips come down into me harshly and his painfully hard erection grinds against my own. _

_"Aww" He coos mockingly, leaning back and grabbing my chin tightly and shaking my head, "Little baby get sore did he?"_

_"Fuck off" I moan angrily, shoving his hand away from me and bringing our lips back together, grasping at his neck roughly. _

_He chuckles against my skin, the sound low, deep and sexy as all fuck, before shoving me back harshly so he can reach forward to his bedside table. I close my eyes and let my chest rise and fall rapidly as I wait in anticipation. I can't believe I'm doing this, again... I can't even believe it happened the first time... But I am not getting into that right now, especially not when –_

_"Fuck!" I gasp into his neck as two longer fingers are now inside of me. _

...

"I KNEW IT!" I yell abruptly, ripping my hands from Kelly's and jumping up from my seat.

My blood is practically coursing with adrenalin through my veins, my heart now beating rapidly and my palms sweaty.

I knew it. I knew it I knew it I knew it.

"_I can't believe I'm doing this, again... I can't even believe it happened the first time" _I spit out angrily, reciting Ken's thoughts. "It was from that very first fucking night! In the woods! One day! Not even one day Ken! I hadn't even been here one whole day and you already fucked James? I can't believe you!"

_What did you expect Kendall? It's not like you didn't know what was going on. It was made painstakingly obvious to you very quickly. _

"Oh but fuck you so much, you fucking ruin Logan for me and I STILL don't know why and then you have the audacity to still fuck with me and sleep with James at every chance you get! Is that pretty much all you do? Just switch, go to James' room and fuck the night away?"

_Pretty much._

"I hate you" I mutter angrily, collapsing into my chair and bring my knees up to my chest as I feel myself crashing from my previous adrenalin rush.

My brain is going to explode. It must. It can't handle this. It simply can't.

"Kendall" Kelly says softly, after about 10 minutes of complete silence and my brain absolutely spinning off its hinges. "Kendall what did you see?"

"What do you think I fucking saw? James and Ken have been doing this all along, right from the beginning, and he went straight there after Logan... but what did he do to Logan, Kelly? What did he do?"

I am practically begging by this point, pitiful sob filled begs.

"What would make you happy Kendall?" She asks softly.

I think about the question for a moment, letting myself calm down slightly before I look up at her and speak in barely a whisper, "Answers Kelly... answers would make me happy"

"But you can't find the answers, if you keep asking more questions"

Silence clouds the room, hugging every inch until there is nothing but my now steady breaths and her ever so soft ones. Neither of us speak; she simply stares at me whilst I let her words roll around in my head and try to keep a lid on my sanity. I've pushed Ken out, for now, unable to deal with everything he is and everything he does.

I am so close to losing it. I am so close to giving up and letting Ken win. I want the darkness to win. I need it to win.

"Where are you going?" Kelly asks calmly as I have now stood from my chair and headed to the door.

"To make things right" I sigh softly with my back to her and hand on the door handle.

"Kendall" She says slowly but strongly, freezing me in my place, "He's missed you too"

I close my eyes, taking a deep breath before whispering out, "I need him Kelly"

"I know you do Kendall. Go make it right"

_Pain throws your heart to the ground  
Love turns the whole thing around  
No it won't all go the way it should  
But I know the heart of life is good_


End file.
